I may very well lose my mind. Wednesday night did not go well. I will spare details, but it included B hitting, pushing, spitting, burping in my face and other gross things. I understand that she is trying to make herself disgusting to me because she doesn't think she deserves love, and she is trying to keep my away. I really do get that in my brain. But my heart is just broken. I don't understand how she can act like this, and I don't know how I can be strong enough to deal with it. Because it is wearing me down fast. And the support I need is MIA.
My husband has difficulty showing any emotion. If he sees me upset, his answer is to yell at B for what she did to make me upset. Or to shut down. Or to apologize quickly and pretend nothing happened, if he's to blame. And despite my numerous attempts to explain that I need his support, and I need to feel like what I'm doing is appreciated, it seems to go in one ear and out the other.
My friends just don't get what I'm going through, and why shoud they? They're 24/25 years old. They're still dating and having fun. And I adore them, and love to hear about their lives. But most live in a different state, so we only get to talk on the phone when we can all find time, which sadly isn't often. And when we do get a chance to talk, I want to hear about their lives, and not go on about my circus.
My in-laws are totally useless. God forbid they do anything to help their flesh and blood granddaughter. Unless it is 100% convenient for them. I can't understand how they can watch us struggle, and not care. And I can't understand why my husband feels obligated to them. Most recently, they're trying to get us to come up to visit. We've been up there four times in the last year compared to their one visit down here. But it's just too hard for them to get away. It isn't too hard for them to take a three week vacation every February to Florida, though. And I wouldn't be so irritated if they didn't spend every second making us feel guilty for keeping their granddaughter from them. ????? They're welcome any time. I would so appreciate the help. And it makes me incredibly angry that they pretend to be completely clueless about everything and live in this world where everything is perfect. I am dying to give them a piece of my mind, and I get a little closer to doing it every day. I'm one guilt trip away from cutting myself off from them completely. As if I need the extra drama in my life. Get in the game - this is your granddaughter! Of course, this isn't nearly the extent of my issues. I also can't stand how my MIL expects everyone to do whatever she says, and she expects constant attention and accolades for how fabulous and amazing she is, but she can't even tell her son that he is doing a good thing by going back to school. I've gotten two compliments from her in five years. #1 - For one of the first Easter's I spent with B (back when Patrick and I were still dating, and I still was patient and fun), I made Resurrection Eggs for B and taught her the Jelly Bean Easter Prayer, to help her learn about Jesus and Easter. Patrick's Grandma said how great these were, and how impressed she was with all the things I was doing with B to help her, and my MIL said "Yeah, those eggs were a neat idea, Brie. Very creative." #2 - My wedding day. Her only comment to me the entire day "Your dress is nice, Brie." Fantastic. And I have shared this with her before. About seven months before our wedding I laid it all out for her. Told her exactly how she made me feel and how I hurt I was by the way she treated me. She also shared her side, and I acknowledged my mistakes and have tried to do better. She hasn't changed one thing.
And I adore my parents. They are wonderful. But every time I have to tell them what is going on it breaks my heart. I know they are in a lot of pain. They hate seeing what I'm going through. They love B, but it kills them to see the way she treats me. My poor mother is beyond angry with my MIL for sitting back and pretending B is fine, while me and my parents are the one in the trenches trying to fix their granddaughter. Because the in-laws just assume that we'll all take care of it, and they don't have to do a darn thing. Because we moved by my family, so I guess it's our problem not theirs. My mom has tried a hundred times to see it from my MILs perspective but just can't.
And most days, I feel like just walking away from it all. Very few days make me think that all of this is worth it. I've sacrificed so much, and I feel like my husband and his family have done the bare minimum. And they just sit back and let me deal with it all.
I'm sorry for the rant. I'm beyond fed up with everyone worrying about themselves, while they all assume that I will take care of everyone and everything. AHHH! I'm glad it's the weekend...
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1 comment:
I'm so there with you! There's gotta be something in the air these days because this one really seems to be going around lately.
After 14 years of putting up with inlaws just like yours, I did sever the relationship...and I have absolutely ZERO regrets or guilt about it. Ok, so there is something good that comes with age - and that's wisdom. I finally came to a point where I realized AND ACCEPTED that the problem is theirs, not mine. They're not seeing because they don't want to see and they CAN'T see. They are too blinded by their own fears and guilt and biases and self supposed inadequacies that they absolutely CANNOT (not don't - they honestly CAN'T) understand that the axis of the universe does not run through them.
The even bigger thing for me was learning to put aside all those "shoulds" (they should be more understanding, they should be more helpful, they should be more compassionate and accepting...) One of the biggest problems with "shoulds" is that they automatically establish a standard or expectation for that person. When they aren't met, disappointment, frustration, anger, and resentment ALWAYS follow. It wasn't until I stepped back and really examined all those "shoulds" I had placed on my inlaws that I realized that they were MY standards and MY expectations of what I thought they should be. They were based on events from my own life rather than the reality of who THEY are or what THEY are capapble of offering.
That doesn't mean I have to embrace WHAT they do or even who they are, and I certainly don't have to move over and make room for that kind of behavior in my own life. But acknowleging and accepting the reality of where they are in their own lives and their maturity level (age is not an indicator as our children teach us every single day) opened the way for me to see what is really driving them. In my case, I discovered that my FIL has been living with untreated PTSD since he was 7 years old. In many ways, he is still a terrified 7 year old who is furious at the world and at the universe because his father died. My MIL came from a very proper and uptight home. She was also a honeymoon baby who thanks to WWII, didn't meet her father until she was a toddler and he was released from duty. Both grew up in homes where there was a lot of hen-pecking and verbal assaults thrown around.
Wow. No wonder they can't see past their own noses. They've never learned how. Furthermore, I've never actually seen either of my in-laws actually LIVE life. They survive it and roll through the motions day in and day out. Their own hearts are locked so tightly behind brick walls that I do not honestly believe they know how to love.
And because they have never learned that lesson (and have no interest in learning it now), they are toxic to me and to my children. My kids have experienced enough rejection and enough confusing messages about family and love and life that they don't need it from their grandparents - especially since my inlaws have a nasty habit of using children as pawns. Regardless of what obligations I "should" have to them (remember should also implies a sense of right and wrong), my first and foremost responsibility is to protect my children. In my case, this meant severing ALL contact between myself and my inlaws and also between them and my kids. Ironically enough, once I laid down the law on that one, my hubby chose to sever the contact as well. Yes it's sad and it hurts, but it is what had to be.
As for the attacks against you, just keep seeing the trauma. It INS'T you she's lashing out at. It's the mom who hurt her and didn't take care of her in the first place. It's hard to remember at times, but just keep looking at the trauma, not the child or the behavior. The more you do this, the less affect it will have on you.
Keep building your support network through blogging, too. IRL people are great, but very few of them get it. Sometimes it's more draining to explain it to them than it is just to seek support elsewhere. Personally, I think you're awesome for taking on what you have, especially at such a tender young age. Don't give up hope! It isnt easy turning around a freight train, but it can be done.
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