Up until this morning we've been doing good. Tuesday I took B to Pottery Hollow to get started on Mother's Day presents. The supplies charge was free if you wore green, so I couldn't pass up the deal! B painted a mug for her Grandma 2 (my Grandma), and a little flower plate for her Nae Nae (her daddy's mom). I painted a picture frame for my sister-in-law. It's her first mother's day! All in all, they turned out well and we had a good time. We are going to go back another time to paint gifts for my Mom. I'm very proud of us for getting a head start...I usually think about painting pottery as gifts the week before I need them, and since they take at least two weeks to be ready, it doesn't really work out terribly well. I was also impressed at her excitement for doing for others - very rare! I think we are far enough removed from the actual day, that it didn't really sink in. Although, it did make me start to dread Mother's Day. My Mom and Dad are going to Milwaukee to spend it with my brother and Grandma. They offered for me to go up with them for the weekend, but I'm not sure what to do. I would love to spend the weekend with my Goddaughter, Mom, and Grandma, but I don't want to scar B any more than she already is....even though she hates celebrating Mother's Day and ruins it any way she can, obviously. Any thoughts?
On Wednesday, my Mom took B to her first swimming lesson. She loved it. She has private swimming lessons at the Y, which is awesome because it is far less distraction. Apparently she did a great job, and the teacher wondered why she needed private lessons. How about because none of us knew she could swim because every time she gets in the water with Daddy or Grandpa she turns on the drama and has a death grip on their necks. Or she talks NaeNae and Papa into letting her wear baby floaties. But she enjoyed it so that's great. We had a good night when she got home - went grocery shopping, did homework ate dinner and read a story - all without drama or RAD behaviors. Awesome.
This morning was another story. I stayed home this morning because my hubby had to get to school early for a presentation. While he was still home, I asked for her backpack so I could check it. After pulling out three huge textbooks that she didn't need for homework and a 4th grade library book, I located a tube of lip smackers and a pair of shoes. Before I could say any more than "Wow, what's all this?" Her dad grabbed the shoes and lip gloss and threw them in the trash, and took the backpack away. She obviously lost it and went into full RAD behavior. He left for school (thanks a lot!) and I tried to stay as calm as possible. I didn't push it, and told asked how she was feeling and if she was dysregulated, she yelled threw things against the wall and slammed the door in my face. I still stayed calm (barely) and she began crying and saying how angry she is that she can't see Nae Nae and Papa, and that she misses them and she never sees them. I tried to be compassionate, told her I understood exactly how she felt, because when I was little, I lived away from my grandparents, too. Well, she started to think about that for a second and the next thing out of her little mouth - "I HATE YOU! I DON'T WANT YOU! I want my Daddy and that's it! You should go away. And I don't want the Mueller family. Or this house. Or your parents. I hate you and wish I could leave and never see you again. I hate everything - I hate Belleville, I hate you, I hate your family, and on and on and on. Well, I was shocked and walked away for a breather. I could care less if she says that she hates me, but the tone of voice she used when she said seh hated my family and my parents just about did me in. She very rarely says it, but when she does it makes my blood boil. Like I told my hubby at lunch today - she can say whatever she wants about me. I don't care anymore. Because I chose this in my life. I made a choice to bring this in, and to do my best. But my parents did not choose this, and when anybody says anything about them it makes me crazy. They have bent over backwards for that little girl - from fun day trips to watch the eagles or go bike riding to swimming lessons to paying for therapy to special gifts and favorite treats and on and on - they do more for her than her biological family has ever even considered doing. They love her unconditionally and support her and our family. And to hear those words and that tone was so hurtful. She got a talking to about that - it was the last straw. However, I did get it together enough to get her shoes and coat on and get her on the bus with a hug.
I'm still upset about what she said. I know it came from a place of not believing she deserves them in her life, but it really hurts. And even now, it makes me tear up a little. No one deserves to talk about such wonderful people like that. So frustrating.
In happier news, Sephora is doing free make up and goodies on Saturday, and Aveda has free neck/hand massages, so a friend and I are headed to St. Louis for the day. It will be a much needed and relaxing afternoon!
Sorry for another long post! Hope everyone is having a great week!
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2 comments:
Don't beat yourself up about what she said.
She had a fun day with them and woke up to feel guilty about it and not feeling worthy. Remember that when she starts to bond with her new family, she feels like she is betraying her old family.
Reassure her that you understand, that she is entitled to her feelings, BUT, she is not entitled to be disrespectful.
Baby steps, Brie, baby steps!
I agree - don't beat yourself up and DON'T take what she said personally, either. It's not about you or your family. It's about trauma and loss and grief and very likely deprivation as well (so is the extra stuff in the backpack.)
One thing that may solve some of the morning drama and sneaking of stuff to school is to allow her to have a beach bag or backpack that she can control, but make sure it is made of clear vinyl. That way she can still keep the securiy and control of the bag, and you guys don't have pick through it to find out what isn't supposed to be in there. Because you'll be able to see through it at a glance, you can can simply say "Oh, I see you've decided to take an extra pair of shoes to school today. You must really be worried that they won't be here when you get home. That must be a really scary feeling. (long pause.) Reassure her the shoes will still be there when she gets hom and that no one will touch them or take them. You can then ask her where she thinks the shoes should go. If she still says she needs them with her, let her do it. She'll figure out pretty quick that you've got her number.
Bags like this are likely starting to come out in stores now in preparation for summer. Or, you can make them pretty easily. Every fabric store in America (including walmart) carries the heavy duty clear vinyl and you can find a plethroa of simple bag patterns on the internet. To make it a little more "cool", you can sew some pockets on the outside made of two pieces of vinyl stiched together - but before you stitch them completely shut, add some glitter or shiny confetti so they look like they're suspended in mid air. If you don't sew, chances are you can find a friend who does.
Also don't give up on the way you responded to her. She may escalate at first (but this time it was more likely because dad threw her stuff away) but she'll eventually get it and will start to shift her thinking.
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