First, thank you for the tips regarding B's anger. I think it is definitely time to go back and reread all our books.
It has been a crazy, rollercoaster kind of week. After I last posted, things took a turn for the worse. We are slowly getting back to our normal. On Wednesday, the principal called to tell me that B got in trouble for saying "fr*ckin" and would be missing two recesses. Thursday, the teacher called to let me know B got caught with a lunch bag full of M&Ms. Turns out she stole five bags from her teacher. I had class that night, so when I picked her up from my Mom's house, I took her to Walgreens. She bought ten bags of M&Ms, a card, and tissue paper/gift bag with her own money. She was livid. As she was paying, she looked at me and said "I wanted to use this money to buy something nice for myself. You should use your debit card to pay." I love the absolute lack of cause and effect thinking. She was in full RAD mode - it didn't matter what I said or did, she just kept pushing and escalating. I was beyond exasperated by the time my husband got home. He was even angrier than she was. He really internalizes everything that she does at school, I guess because he is in school to be a teacher.
Anyways, we were all at our wits end. This seriously was the one week I wanted no stress, so I could have a successful doctor's appointment. Hahaha. Shirley, our therapist, came Friday afternoon. I have never been happier to see her! My husband, on the other hand, was less thrilled. As soon as she mentioned that we need to stop fighting her homework, and just let B know that thrid grade would be there next year, he tuned her out. My Mom then was pissed because she's paying for it and he's acting like a child and staring at the wall (it was rather upsetting to see him act that way). The session ended with my mom leaving to give us time alone with Shirley, me in tears, and Patrick continuing not to acknowledge his feelings. I can't even begin to explain how angry I was with him for acting that way. He picked B up from school, and was still angry with her for her less than stellar week at school. I knew I couldn't be around him, and I didn't want to leave B with his negativity either. I put a call in for pizza for him, washed the horrendous face painting off B, and took her to run errands with me.
In the car, I told her we needed to talk and that I was just stressed about the whole week, and knew she must have been, too. She asked when Shirley was coming (I believe this is where her behavior was coming from - afraid of Shirley finding something out?), and I let her know that she had already met with her this afternoon. I told her that Shirley, Dad, Grandma and I had spent the afternoon trying to figure out ways to help B. Suddenly, she burst into tears. Real tears, not her droopy, poopy, fake RAD girl tears. I asked why she was crying and she said "I didn't realize you were trying to help me. You guys are all trying to help me." She said it in such disbelief. We chatted a little more, and she cried some more until we got to the mall. We picked up her pictures from Penney's then went to dinner and did a little shopping for her 80s girl Halloween costume. All in all, a successful and relaxing evening for both of us.
Still, I wanted to hang my husband. We talked a little Friday night, and I told him how angry and disappointed I was in him. He got irritated and wouldn't talk anymore. Saturday, my mom and I had planned to go shopping, but I hadn't heard from her. I debated on if I should go over or not, because I knew she was still furious from Friday (as was I), and I didn't much feel like listening to her yell. But I knew it would be worse if I didn't go, so off I went it. She yelled at me about him for about 15 minutes all the while telling me she hated having to do this to me since it wasn't my fault. But she was mad. Anyways, she got it out of her system and we were able to enjoy the rest of the day together, making progress on Halloween costumes and Christmas shopping.
Saturday night I went home, and tried talking to Patrick again. Still not much luck. We went to church Sunday morning, and then after awhile of him still being pissed and wanting it to affect me, and me going on about my day, he finally broke and talked about it. We have been having conversations on and off since then about it, and I think we are finally getting to a place where he understands that what he did was immature and inappropriate, and this is his daughter and he needs to step up.
I fully acknowledge my shortcomings in all of this, and after Friday I am trying to make a conscious effort to do better. Sometimes B just irritates me to no end. And I haven't been patient enough with her. And I yell and do everything I shouldn't because she is just so IRRITATING. Shirley was a reminder that irritation is one of the worst emotions we can show RAD kids. And most nights, it is just B and I, so I have her do her work by herself while I worry about the 524 other things I need to get done. She isn't getting the attention she needs. So, this week I have tried to make a more conscious effort to be present and patient. I made it through Monday and Tuesday!!!! I have been more available to her, patient when she is struggling with homework, while she eats dinner I have sat across from her and chatted. I've spent time reading with her and cuddling. These things are so difficult for me to do, because I have lost so much feeling towards this child. But I recognize that I need to be the adult, and she isn't going to get better with me acting like that. So as Shirley always reminds us - Fake it til you make it! So I'm trying.
Also, my husband and I struggle with the homework thing because neither one of us can honestly say "third grade will be there next year" and just not be involved with her schooling. We are both in education - it's ingrained in us! So B and I chatted and came up with homework rules. I wrote them on the dry erase board, and we both signed them. (Dad signed later when he got home from class.) We decided that:
1. She has a set amount of time (which will always be plenty) in which to complete each assignment. (ex. spelling words - 15 min)
2. She gets to choose if she is going to complete the assignment or not.
3. If she doesn't complete the assignment, we determined four consequences - the same ones every night. So, if she chooses not to finish spelling words, she gets the first consequence automatically. I won't fight it with her, and I won't yell at her for not finishing her work. We just move onto the next assignment.
I don't know - these may not be the greatest for RAD kids. But it's the only way I can think of to keep myself calm and consistent. Plus, she goes nuts about doing homework - "It's going to take forever!!!" But if I give her fifteen minutes, she knows that isn't a long time, and she can be done quick. I guess we'll see how this works for awhile. She did great last night, and was done with her homework so quickly that she was able to have time for a long shower, and reading time with me. It was a good night.
Of course, I still got irritated, but I made a conscious effort to stay calm and keep it together. She has also been a lot needier since she knows that I'm around, which drives me nuts, but I guess it won't hurt to give her some attention, will it? :) It is going to take time for me to get better at this, but I'm going to keep trying. Patrick is with her tonight while I run errands. I just talked him through how to handle everything and what he needs to do. I'm going to bring pizza home later and we'll watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
In other news, Shirley recommended a chiropractor to us. He doesn't charge for kids under 12, and apparently has done fantastic things for her other clients. He checks their toxicity levels and works on that. She said she recently had two clients that have been seeing him call to cancel appointments because their RAD kid has made such progress, so now they need her less frequently. Cool. I'll give anything a shot. I put a call in to make an appointment, and hope to hear back tomorrow (they're closed today).
So that's where we are...I'm trying to stay optimistic that we can all stay on the right track.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Update
First, my dear Butterfly is in search of a new family. If you know of one, please let me know. Apparently, we are too mean and frustrating, and her life would be much better if she were in foster care. Her words, not mine.
Anyways, things have been going. Butterfly has been all over the place. She handled our trip to Milwaukee for my goddaughter’s birthday surprisingly well. No major issues before, during or after. Yay.
She also handled my parents 12 day trip to Italy well. She was so thrilled to pick them up at the airport. She’s never done that before, so it was a treat. She made a sign, and anxiously awaited their arrival. She loved surprising them, and of course was thrilled to see them after two weeks.
In general, Butterfly has just been consistently difficult. There is always an issue. Either her clothes don’t fit or I’m too mean or someone hurt or feelings or just in general someone else has it better than she does. I’m so tired of hearing it.
Saturday night my family had our annual “Shootsenfest” at the clubhouse. My grandpa has a clubhouse on a river – an old rundown shack on stilts – no heat, no bathrooms, no nothing. My uncle started the tradition a few years ago – we spend the afternoon/evening shooting clay pigeons (hence Shootsenfest), sitting around the campfire, taking wagon rides through the forest and eating yummy foods. We drove out with my parents, and everyone was having a good time. My cousins have little girls ranging in age from 2 – 12, so they all play together quite well. My least favorite part is that everyone brings Halloween treats for the girls. Well, Butterfly gorged on candy (my fault – I was trying not to cause waves), went on a hayride and endured some ribbing from the family (as did everyone else), and was just in general worn out from her day. She had the most colossal fit I have ever seen. The night was winding down and it was getting late, and the girls were all sacked out on an aunt, mom or grandma’s lap, so I called B over so she could start to chill. She was not happy, and started getting witchy. I had already told her I wasn’t going there, and it got a little worse so I took her to the truck and we got inside, and she lost it. Hitting, kicking, screaming. She was insane. God bless my husband, he came and took over quickly. My mom walked to the truck and couldn’t believe what she saw. She had never seen B act like that. Anyways, it was a rough way to end the day, but we learned she still isn’t ready for all of that. We thought she could handle it, but in the future we will have to go to these events for a short period of time, and be sure to drive separately so if there is an issue, we can leave.
So, anyways, we have survived it and are moving on. No new news on the in-laws. They have been laying low, and B talked to them Sunday night for the first time in two weeks. I’ve stopped talking about them in any capacity when she is around, and don’t make it my job to make sure she talks to them. They are being slightly passive aggressive and trying to get us to come up North for Thanksgiving, but Patrick and I are very firm that it will not be happening. Last year we talked about holidays, and decided that since Thanksgiving is the least emotionally charged holiday for families out of the three big ones, it would be the one that we always celebrate at home, so we could start family traditions. Of course, anyone is welcome to join us any year. It is surprising to me how important it has already become to B – this will be our third year. I was chatting with her this weekend and just letting her know what to expect for the holidays, and told her it would be the three of us for Thanksgiving. She was so happy, and was relieved to know we would be carrying on our family tradition of going to see the Way of Lights at the Shrine. (It’s a big display at the Shrine by our house of lights that you drive through and it depicts everything from Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem to the Birth – it is AMAZING.) I was surprised how important such a little thing like that is to her. But it’s good to see.
Also, the day after Thanksgiving, B will be starting the winter drama camp for the first time!! They will be putting on Godspell, which is the very first drama camp show I ever did! I’m SO excited…and she is, too. She will be busy at camp every Saturday through Christmas, then the shows will be the Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas. This is the first year we have been able to make it work, and we are hoping it is something she will be able to do in the future.
Anyways, I have been trying to stay relaxed this week, as I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. These every three month appointments are getting old, and I am hopeful for good results, so I can get on the once a year plan like everyone else. Of course, my stress-free week hasn’t been off to the best start. B came home ready to fight, and left me with a pounding headache which lasted me well into this morning. I’ll try again tonight.
And in the meantime, if anyone has tips for dealing with my little dear’s anger issues, I would be forever grateful. I’ve never seen her like this before, and don’t know if this is “normal” or if I’m missing something huge again.
Anyways, things have been going. Butterfly has been all over the place. She handled our trip to Milwaukee for my goddaughter’s birthday surprisingly well. No major issues before, during or after. Yay.
She also handled my parents 12 day trip to Italy well. She was so thrilled to pick them up at the airport. She’s never done that before, so it was a treat. She made a sign, and anxiously awaited their arrival. She loved surprising them, and of course was thrilled to see them after two weeks.
In general, Butterfly has just been consistently difficult. There is always an issue. Either her clothes don’t fit or I’m too mean or someone hurt or feelings or just in general someone else has it better than she does. I’m so tired of hearing it.
Saturday night my family had our annual “Shootsenfest” at the clubhouse. My grandpa has a clubhouse on a river – an old rundown shack on stilts – no heat, no bathrooms, no nothing. My uncle started the tradition a few years ago – we spend the afternoon/evening shooting clay pigeons (hence Shootsenfest), sitting around the campfire, taking wagon rides through the forest and eating yummy foods. We drove out with my parents, and everyone was having a good time. My cousins have little girls ranging in age from 2 – 12, so they all play together quite well. My least favorite part is that everyone brings Halloween treats for the girls. Well, Butterfly gorged on candy (my fault – I was trying not to cause waves), went on a hayride and endured some ribbing from the family (as did everyone else), and was just in general worn out from her day. She had the most colossal fit I have ever seen. The night was winding down and it was getting late, and the girls were all sacked out on an aunt, mom or grandma’s lap, so I called B over so she could start to chill. She was not happy, and started getting witchy. I had already told her I wasn’t going there, and it got a little worse so I took her to the truck and we got inside, and she lost it. Hitting, kicking, screaming. She was insane. God bless my husband, he came and took over quickly. My mom walked to the truck and couldn’t believe what she saw. She had never seen B act like that. Anyways, it was a rough way to end the day, but we learned she still isn’t ready for all of that. We thought she could handle it, but in the future we will have to go to these events for a short period of time, and be sure to drive separately so if there is an issue, we can leave.
So, anyways, we have survived it and are moving on. No new news on the in-laws. They have been laying low, and B talked to them Sunday night for the first time in two weeks. I’ve stopped talking about them in any capacity when she is around, and don’t make it my job to make sure she talks to them. They are being slightly passive aggressive and trying to get us to come up North for Thanksgiving, but Patrick and I are very firm that it will not be happening. Last year we talked about holidays, and decided that since Thanksgiving is the least emotionally charged holiday for families out of the three big ones, it would be the one that we always celebrate at home, so we could start family traditions. Of course, anyone is welcome to join us any year. It is surprising to me how important it has already become to B – this will be our third year. I was chatting with her this weekend and just letting her know what to expect for the holidays, and told her it would be the three of us for Thanksgiving. She was so happy, and was relieved to know we would be carrying on our family tradition of going to see the Way of Lights at the Shrine. (It’s a big display at the Shrine by our house of lights that you drive through and it depicts everything from Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem to the Birth – it is AMAZING.) I was surprised how important such a little thing like that is to her. But it’s good to see.
Also, the day after Thanksgiving, B will be starting the winter drama camp for the first time!! They will be putting on Godspell, which is the very first drama camp show I ever did! I’m SO excited…and she is, too. She will be busy at camp every Saturday through Christmas, then the shows will be the Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas. This is the first year we have been able to make it work, and we are hoping it is something she will be able to do in the future.
Anyways, I have been trying to stay relaxed this week, as I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. These every three month appointments are getting old, and I am hopeful for good results, so I can get on the once a year plan like everyone else. Of course, my stress-free week hasn’t been off to the best start. B came home ready to fight, and left me with a pounding headache which lasted me well into this morning. I’ll try again tonight.
And in the meantime, if anyone has tips for dealing with my little dear’s anger issues, I would be forever grateful. I’ve never seen her like this before, and don’t know if this is “normal” or if I’m missing something huge again.
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