Things are stressful right now. We are trying to get Butterfly integrated back into the regular second grade classroom, but the school is being difficult. As I sit here typing, I am willing the phone to ring, so I can talk to the principal.
Mon. evening, Butterfly came home and let it all out that she is stressed at school. She hasn't been eating lunch with the 2nd graders, instead she is with the 1st graders. In turn, the 2nd graders are making fun of her, etc. She also doesn't get to go to recess with the 2nd graders. Imagine the stress for an 8 year old! She also is overwhelmed by some of the other students in special ed, and she knows she isn't doing the work she should be doing. She is dying to get back to a regular classroom. (Minor victory for me - she knows the difference, and wants to try to be better). In any case, the girl is worked up, stressed out and can't function. My husband and I have tried to contact the teacher previously to discuss other issues, but we have never made it far. My hubby event went in and caught the principal on her way out to her car after school one day to talk to her.
Tues. morning I went in to speak with the principal. We discussed the lunch situation, as well as getting Butterfly integrated into a regular classroom. She suggested that we turn the parent/teacher conference into an IEP, and I asked her to please arrange it. She assured me that she would look into the situation, and contact me that day. It's Wednesday at 12:45p.m. and I'm still waiting.
Last night we got a note home from her teacher saying "We would discuss the issue at the parent/teacher conference. And Butterfly would not be moving from her classroom until December." It was as very catty note. I immediately called the principal and left a message. No answer yet. I then spoke to a colleague who previously worked as superintendent in a neighboring school district, I wanted advice on how to proceed. He called the current superintendent of our district and informed her of the situation and told her that the situation needed to be fixed. I called and left another message to find out what is going on.
I am beyond frustrated. I hate that I have to harrass people to get anywhere. I don't like calling three times - but if I don't I always get "forgotten." And I refuse to let this little girl suffer academically. I so wish everyone would just do their job. If we didn't need the income, I think I would stay home and homeschool, because this is all just beyond ridiculous.
Hopefully I hear back soon. I don't want to make another trip into school this week.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Another explosive weekend
Wow. Saturday my hubby had to run some errands for school. He took Butterfly with him to the library and the coin shop. She checked out The Wizard of Oz, and got two coins at the coin shop. They then went to my parent's house so he could cut their grass. She played with the neighbor's grandkids. When they came home, she played, and I reminded her, as I did that morning, that her room need to get cleaned.
Saturday was the Fall Festival at her school. They have hayrides, a haunted trail, games, food, etc. She was very excited to go, and while I could think of 100 other things to do, we were planning to go. However, she was angry about having to clean her room, which she has to do every weekend. She crumpled a picture that she drew me and threw it at me. I left it where it fell, intending to have her pick it up later. So, she goes in her room and continues screaming at me and her dad. She comes out a little later with a note for me. Her spelling isn't great, but I got the gist of it. It began "I hat you mom..." My husband read it as I hate you, but I thought, no, Butterfly is smarter than that. I asked her to come and read me her note. Sure enough, she did, and sure enough she wrote she hated me. I complimented her writing and then asked her if it was true. She said yes she does hate me because I didn't appreicate the picture that she threw at me. I asked if she knew what would have happened to me if I would have written a note like that to my mom. She said no, and I told her my butt would have been kicked from here to China. Her face dropped, and you could tell she thought I was going to start screaming at her. Instead, I hugged her and told her I'm sorry she felt that way. Her father then informed her that the Fall Festival was cancelled due to her disrespect.
I laughed about it, and left to go for a walk - it was a gorgeous fall day. When I got back, I was greeted with a stack of apology letters. She wrote a couple I'm sorry notes, drew pictures, etc. I was impressed that she was showing remorse, but that didn't last long enough. As soon as I thanked her for the apology and told her it was accepted, she asked if she could go to the Festival now that she apologized...typical RAD I guess.
We stayed in Saturday night - except we did go grab dinner out. I had to remind her that we weren't going out to dinner for her, dad and I were doing it for ourselves, and she was just lucky to get to go along. It drives me crazy how she turns everything into something about her. Even when I was kid, I don't recall being so self-centered. She really thinks the world wouldn't survive without her.
Sunday was nothing exciting - I was stressed due to a ton of minor things. She wanted constant attention the whole day, which I was not able to give her. She got in trouble quite a few times. But we survived, and now on to another week.
My parents are on their way back from vacation, and they are bringing my Grandma back with them. It will be great to spend some time with her over the next couple weeks.
Saturday was the Fall Festival at her school. They have hayrides, a haunted trail, games, food, etc. She was very excited to go, and while I could think of 100 other things to do, we were planning to go. However, she was angry about having to clean her room, which she has to do every weekend. She crumpled a picture that she drew me and threw it at me. I left it where it fell, intending to have her pick it up later. So, she goes in her room and continues screaming at me and her dad. She comes out a little later with a note for me. Her spelling isn't great, but I got the gist of it. It began "I hat you mom..." My husband read it as I hate you, but I thought, no, Butterfly is smarter than that. I asked her to come and read me her note. Sure enough, she did, and sure enough she wrote she hated me. I complimented her writing and then asked her if it was true. She said yes she does hate me because I didn't appreicate the picture that she threw at me. I asked if she knew what would have happened to me if I would have written a note like that to my mom. She said no, and I told her my butt would have been kicked from here to China. Her face dropped, and you could tell she thought I was going to start screaming at her. Instead, I hugged her and told her I'm sorry she felt that way. Her father then informed her that the Fall Festival was cancelled due to her disrespect.
I laughed about it, and left to go for a walk - it was a gorgeous fall day. When I got back, I was greeted with a stack of apology letters. She wrote a couple I'm sorry notes, drew pictures, etc. I was impressed that she was showing remorse, but that didn't last long enough. As soon as I thanked her for the apology and told her it was accepted, she asked if she could go to the Festival now that she apologized...typical RAD I guess.
We stayed in Saturday night - except we did go grab dinner out. I had to remind her that we weren't going out to dinner for her, dad and I were doing it for ourselves, and she was just lucky to get to go along. It drives me crazy how she turns everything into something about her. Even when I was kid, I don't recall being so self-centered. She really thinks the world wouldn't survive without her.
I talked with a good friend Sunday night about what happened. She was so worried that I was going to be completely broken about the I hate you note. It wasn't until she suggested that most people would be really upset by it, that I realized how strange it was that it didn't phase me or make me angry with her. It's like I am completely numb to what she says and does anymore. As if what she did is completely expected as part of our day to day lives. I seem to get upset about the little things more that I do about something as blatant as this. It's so sad.
Sunday was nothing exciting - I was stressed due to a ton of minor things. She wanted constant attention the whole day, which I was not able to give her. She got in trouble quite a few times. But we survived, and now on to another week.
My parents are on their way back from vacation, and they are bringing my Grandma back with them. It will be great to spend some time with her over the next couple weeks.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
What a day...
Yesterday was rough...I was ready to leave for work EARLY, and then a string of minor inconveniences ruined it. Which in turn ruined the rest of my day. I hate when I allow that to happen. In any case, I had zero tolerance for anything last night. So, I picked up Butterfly from Latchkey, and we went home. I told her we would work on our spelling words, and as soon as we walked through the door, she went into a tirade of how much she hates homework, and she doesn't want to do her reading page. (BTW, I was just planning to have her do spelling words tonight.)
So, as I said, I had no tolerance and I sent her to her room until she could be pleasant and respectful. She came out all of two minutes later with a fake smile, and a sugary sweet "I'm ready now, Mommy." Yeah right. I told her I thought she could use a little more time to find a respectful young lady. Well, sure enough that set her off again and she lost it. I told her I wasn't in the mood, I talked about her behavior, and so on. I told her she could have dinner and it would be bedtime. So, her first response was "I'm not eating a stupid sandwich." (Whenever, she gets sent to bed before dinner, she has a sandwich.) Bummer for her, that I was making grilled cheese for everyone that night. So, I told her I wasn't wasting a sandwich if she wasn't going to eat it, and did she want dinner. She started doing sign language (Why, I have no idea.) I told her my hearing was fine, and she could use her words. So she grunted a yes, and I went to make her dinner. She wanted peanut butter, so I made the sandwich, and then used a mini heart cookie cutter to make five hearts on the sandwich. (five is our special number for saying i love you, when it is just too hard to really say the words.) so she ate up, and went to bed willingly.
We've also been talking about putting an alarm on her door, to help her stop sneaking food in the middle of the night. She has been asking for the alarm, so I finally put it up last night. So, amazingly, she stayed in bed all night last night! I couldn't believe it. I'm hoping this gives all of us some peace of mind. I told her if the alarm goes off, I will wake up and know she isn't feeling safe and that she needs a hug, and that's okay.
This morning, she said she feels safe and doesn't need the alarm anymore. Ha. She was giving me attitude before the bus came today, and I was sick of it, so I interrupted and told her I wouldn't be home until after she was in bed tonight. That shut her up in a heartbeat. I couldn't believe it! I told her I had to work late tonight, and she could call if she needed me, but I would at an event, and might not be able to answer the phone. She was all sweet and lovey until the bus came.
I have to admit, I'm glad I won't be home until she is asleep. I'm about due for a break, and I will take any little bit that I can get!
So, as I said, I had no tolerance and I sent her to her room until she could be pleasant and respectful. She came out all of two minutes later with a fake smile, and a sugary sweet "I'm ready now, Mommy." Yeah right. I told her I thought she could use a little more time to find a respectful young lady. Well, sure enough that set her off again and she lost it. I told her I wasn't in the mood, I talked about her behavior, and so on. I told her she could have dinner and it would be bedtime. So, her first response was "I'm not eating a stupid sandwich." (Whenever, she gets sent to bed before dinner, she has a sandwich.) Bummer for her, that I was making grilled cheese for everyone that night. So, I told her I wasn't wasting a sandwich if she wasn't going to eat it, and did she want dinner. She started doing sign language (Why, I have no idea.) I told her my hearing was fine, and she could use her words. So she grunted a yes, and I went to make her dinner. She wanted peanut butter, so I made the sandwich, and then used a mini heart cookie cutter to make five hearts on the sandwich. (five is our special number for saying i love you, when it is just too hard to really say the words.) so she ate up, and went to bed willingly.
We've also been talking about putting an alarm on her door, to help her stop sneaking food in the middle of the night. She has been asking for the alarm, so I finally put it up last night. So, amazingly, she stayed in bed all night last night! I couldn't believe it. I'm hoping this gives all of us some peace of mind. I told her if the alarm goes off, I will wake up and know she isn't feeling safe and that she needs a hug, and that's okay.
This morning, she said she feels safe and doesn't need the alarm anymore. Ha. She was giving me attitude before the bus came today, and I was sick of it, so I interrupted and told her I wouldn't be home until after she was in bed tonight. That shut her up in a heartbeat. I couldn't believe it! I told her I had to work late tonight, and she could call if she needed me, but I would at an event, and might not be able to answer the phone. She was all sweet and lovey until the bus came.
I have to admit, I'm glad I won't be home until she is asleep. I'm about due for a break, and I will take any little bit that I can get!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Another Day
Not much to report today. Butterfly did the growling thing again last night. I have to admit, it is bizarre. It sounds like I'm holding an angry puppy. I think she was disregulated because I was gone the night before for a meeting, and I didn't get home until she was in bed. I need to start remembering to tell her when I will be gone, and to let her know that she can call me if she needs me. I also am planning to pull the family stickers out again. We ordered stickers from http://www.walgreens.com/ a few months back. I took a family picture, and wrote "We Love You Butterfly" across the bottom. You can order a sheet for about $5. She would wear them to school, or if she would be gone overnight. They always came back all crumpled from all the attention they got from her!
This morning was another fight. She claims we are waking her up too early (she hasn't caught on to the fact that it stays darker longer this time of year!).
Tonight my hubby is working late, so I will get to tackle homework. I think I will just have her practice her spelling words, and play our spelling game tonight. It's about all I can handle today.
Oh, and on a side note...Last night when she was getting angry and growling, I held her on her bed again and read the I Choose You poem. She tried to plug her ears, but I just talked louder. She didn't know what to do, and she reached out to rip the poem of the wall, and tear it up, like she usually does to things i have given her when she is angry/scared. But this time, she looked at me for a second, and I just smiled, and she didn't do it. I was so impressed that she stopped herself. Normally she rips it all up, and then cries over it a few hours later, that i made her ruin her picture or whatever the case may be. Little does she know, that I printed extra copies, so I'm ready to replace it at a second's notice!!!
This morning was another fight. She claims we are waking her up too early (she hasn't caught on to the fact that it stays darker longer this time of year!).
Tonight my hubby is working late, so I will get to tackle homework. I think I will just have her practice her spelling words, and play our spelling game tonight. It's about all I can handle today.
Oh, and on a side note...Last night when she was getting angry and growling, I held her on her bed again and read the I Choose You poem. She tried to plug her ears, but I just talked louder. She didn't know what to do, and she reached out to rip the poem of the wall, and tear it up, like she usually does to things i have given her when she is angry/scared. But this time, she looked at me for a second, and I just smiled, and she didn't do it. I was so impressed that she stopped herself. Normally she rips it all up, and then cries over it a few hours later, that i made her ruin her picture or whatever the case may be. Little does she know, that I printed extra copies, so I'm ready to replace it at a second's notice!!!
Monday, October 20, 2008
A Long Weekend...
Well, we survived the weekend...On Friday night, I got Butterfly a special dinner for passing her spelling test and I let her watch television. She was thrilled, and was acting like a normal child. It was beautiful to see. I also read her a poem that I got from Brenda at www.reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com. I typed it up, and added hearts all around it. It is titled I Choose You. I started talking to Butterfly about her feelings, and of course it got to real for her, so she decided to say she was upset about her "Papa" dying. (My grandfather passed away in early August.) Whenever she starts "feeling" anything, she brings up one of my relatives that passed away, that she knows I miss dearly - even ones she has never met, but "misses so much." I read the poem and told her to put it somewhere in her room, so that she could read it whenever she needed to. She asked me tape it on her wall next to her bed, which I did.
My parents are on a well-deserved, overdue extended vacation, so on Saturday I went over to cut their grass and check on other things at their house. My husband and Butterfly went to do some work at the building my parents own. She also went to recycle cans. She was so excited to get the money, but not so excited to find out that she had to save the money. He also took her to get a smoothie, which she was thrilled about. A little later she went pumpkin picking with the girl scouts, while my hubby and I got a much needed break. We went out for a late lunch and then did some bumming around. I treasure our time when we are just able to do normal things together without all the drama that comes with having Butterfly around.
I went to pick up Butterfly and of course she had been overstimulated, and when I commented on how cute her pumpkin was, she yelled at me that it was too small and dad didn't give her enough money to buy a big one like she wanted. Nothing is ever enough. If she had gotten a big one she would have been mad that she couldn't have a small one, too and on and on. I ignored it, and went about some things I needed to get done.
Sunday was rough. She hates playing alone, and the neighbors were not home all day. My husband was volunteering for Special Olympics so I took Butterfly on some errands with me, we had fun together, but as soon as we got home and I had work to do and wasn't giving every ounce of my attention to her, she got angry. While I was cutting the grass, I asked for her help moving the swingset so I could mow under it...I would have been better off struggling through it myself. Anyways, she had a napking buried in some grass, that got shredded when the lawnmower hit it - I didn't even notice until purple shreds covered the area. I told her to pick it up which absolutely set her off. She went inside, and her dad asked her to take a nap. She went in her room screaming! I tried to shut her door, which just made her lose it even more. I walked in, scooped her up, and held her tight while I read Brenda's I Choose You poem. I read it three times, until she calmed down. She was growling at me for most of it, like I have never heard before, except from perhaps an animal. She finally burst into tears and talked a very little bit about her birth mom, I tucked her in for a nap, which lasted all of about 20 minutes. The rest of the day/evening was not enjoyable, but far from the anger we sometimes see.
And now, it's back to work and school. She refused to get dressed this morning - it's going to be a high of 65 degrees....she was angry that she couldn't wear shorts. I told her whatever she wanted to do was fine - but she would be getting on the school bus clothes or not, even if I had to carry her. She was dressed and ready 5 minutes later.
My parents are on a well-deserved, overdue extended vacation, so on Saturday I went over to cut their grass and check on other things at their house. My husband and Butterfly went to do some work at the building my parents own. She also went to recycle cans. She was so excited to get the money, but not so excited to find out that she had to save the money. He also took her to get a smoothie, which she was thrilled about. A little later she went pumpkin picking with the girl scouts, while my hubby and I got a much needed break. We went out for a late lunch and then did some bumming around. I treasure our time when we are just able to do normal things together without all the drama that comes with having Butterfly around.
I went to pick up Butterfly and of course she had been overstimulated, and when I commented on how cute her pumpkin was, she yelled at me that it was too small and dad didn't give her enough money to buy a big one like she wanted. Nothing is ever enough. If she had gotten a big one she would have been mad that she couldn't have a small one, too and on and on. I ignored it, and went about some things I needed to get done.
Sunday was rough. She hates playing alone, and the neighbors were not home all day. My husband was volunteering for Special Olympics so I took Butterfly on some errands with me, we had fun together, but as soon as we got home and I had work to do and wasn't giving every ounce of my attention to her, she got angry. While I was cutting the grass, I asked for her help moving the swingset so I could mow under it...I would have been better off struggling through it myself. Anyways, she had a napking buried in some grass, that got shredded when the lawnmower hit it - I didn't even notice until purple shreds covered the area. I told her to pick it up which absolutely set her off. She went inside, and her dad asked her to take a nap. She went in her room screaming! I tried to shut her door, which just made her lose it even more. I walked in, scooped her up, and held her tight while I read Brenda's I Choose You poem. I read it three times, until she calmed down. She was growling at me for most of it, like I have never heard before, except from perhaps an animal. She finally burst into tears and talked a very little bit about her birth mom, I tucked her in for a nap, which lasted all of about 20 minutes. The rest of the day/evening was not enjoyable, but far from the anger we sometimes see.
And now, it's back to work and school. She refused to get dressed this morning - it's going to be a high of 65 degrees....she was angry that she couldn't wear shorts. I told her whatever she wanted to do was fine - but she would be getting on the school bus clothes or not, even if I had to carry her. She was dressed and ready 5 minutes later.
Friday, October 17, 2008
She did it!
Butterfly passed her spelling test - 100%!!!! I am so excited, I can't wait to get home and congratulate her! She worked so hard this week, well, worked hard for her anyways. I called the teacher to check, I just couldn't wait until I got home from work!
Last night we had Girl Scouts. She did really well considering there wasn't a lot of structure last night because we were turning cookie orders in and they had their rededication ceremony. It helped having my husband there last night, because he was able to keep tabs on her while I worried about the Halloween Party planning. She did start to lose it once last night - there were cupcakes and brownies for snack and she came over to ask if she could have one of each, and I of course told her no, that she had to choose one or none. She got that look on her face - you know the one, and was about to start her normal, full-blown fit. But miraculously, she pulled it together, got her cupcake and sat down to eat it. I must say I was impressed.
This morning was rough. She claims she didn't get enough sleep, of course. Then I asked her to practice her spelling words with me this morning and she gave me a death look, and went into her room screaming about not getting money for the pizza party....WHAT?!?!?!?! It amazes me sometimes how much they hold onto one little thing, and it just absolutely consumes them. Her after school program is having a pizza party on Halloween, and the money had to be turned in today or they couldn't have the party. She asked last night, and I said she would have it in the morning before she left for school. Apparently, that wasn't reassuring enough, because it had her completely disregulated this morning about everything. She complained about breakfast, lunch, clothes, hair, etc. You name it, she had a problem with it.
Hopefully school went well. I'm sure it did, it always does. Her teacher still thinks we are completely making up this disorder. She thinks Butterfly is absolutely angelic and a perfect student. But that's another story for another day!
Last night we had Girl Scouts. She did really well considering there wasn't a lot of structure last night because we were turning cookie orders in and they had their rededication ceremony. It helped having my husband there last night, because he was able to keep tabs on her while I worried about the Halloween Party planning. She did start to lose it once last night - there were cupcakes and brownies for snack and she came over to ask if she could have one of each, and I of course told her no, that she had to choose one or none. She got that look on her face - you know the one, and was about to start her normal, full-blown fit. But miraculously, she pulled it together, got her cupcake and sat down to eat it. I must say I was impressed.
This morning was rough. She claims she didn't get enough sleep, of course. Then I asked her to practice her spelling words with me this morning and she gave me a death look, and went into her room screaming about not getting money for the pizza party....WHAT?!?!?!?! It amazes me sometimes how much they hold onto one little thing, and it just absolutely consumes them. Her after school program is having a pizza party on Halloween, and the money had to be turned in today or they couldn't have the party. She asked last night, and I said she would have it in the morning before she left for school. Apparently, that wasn't reassuring enough, because it had her completely disregulated this morning about everything. She complained about breakfast, lunch, clothes, hair, etc. You name it, she had a problem with it.
Hopefully school went well. I'm sure it did, it always does. Her teacher still thinks we are completely making up this disorder. She thinks Butterfly is absolutely angelic and a perfect student. But that's another story for another day!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A Little About Us
I guess an intro to my family might be helpful...
I am 24 and my husband will be 30 shortly! Butterfly is his biological daughter from a previous marriage, and she is 8. Her birth mom was neglectful and did not take care of her. She didn't feed her, change her diapers, hold her, etc. My husband didn't notice at first as he was working long hours and cared for Butterfly when he got home. When he did realize what was going on, Butterfly was moved to daycare, and they divorced. Also, he was in the Air Force Reserves, so after the divorce he moved in with his parents, and he was frequently gone to training and serving overseas. The birth mom is no longer in the picture.
I met him when I was 20, and we married a year ago. About a month after the wedding we discovered what Butterfly's true issue was. I remember when we first started dating, we would talk to his family about what had happened when she was a baby, and we all commented how lucky that she was too young to remember anything that her birth mom did to her....WRONG! It seems like such a ridiculous thought now that we know the full extent of the damage it did, and we live with it every day.
We have been meeting with an amazing therapist about once a month for the last year, and we have been making some great progess. Luckily, she is not as severe as some RAD kids. But she isn't easy, either. It's hard to remember the progress we have made on those days when you can see the anger and hatred oozing out of her. And it's hard being 24 and dealing with this on a daily basis. I know I don't always do things the way I should, and I wish I could change that by snapping my fingers. But sometimes I still feel like a kid myself. But we are making progress. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. The lying and stealing have almost completely stopped. She steals food in the middle of the night every once in awhile, but it is a far cry from what it used to be. She used to steal every day. And the lies are few and far between. And she's pretty quick to admit the truth with a little pressing.
She has also taken to imitating me, which just sends me to the moon! It drives me crazy to have people imitate me. And I know that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery...but it makes me bananas. My husband thinks it's great that she wants to be like me and he says this is what a normal child would do. Which is fabulous. But it still makes me crazy. And she gets so intense about EVERYTHING. We went shopping the other day, and in the past I've made comments that we need to work on her taste in clothing and accessories. We were in an accessories store the other day, and she picked up everything in the store that she could get her little hands on to ask me if it was good taste. Then I was trying on shoes, and she brought like 30 shoes over to me to find out if they were good taste! And on and on....I just want her to chill out. It all feels so forced, and like I said it makes me crazy. I am hoping this is a phase while she gets her bearings set, and starts to realize that, as much as I would like to some days, I am not leaving.
So again, I am hoping this blog helps me to get out some thoughts and feelings that otherwise would be kept bottled up. It's so hard talking about RAD to family and friends because they mean well but they just don't get it. They think she's so sweet and charming. Or they think these are all normal behaviors. Or I'm exaggerating. Or they do get it, and they tell me how much she has improved and that I shouldn't get so stressed! That's the most frustrating. And I just want to scream, "You aren't there when she threatens to harm me! You aren't there for the tantrums and screaming that do not end! You don't know how it feels to be unloved and unappreciated every single day in your own home, after you spend every ounce of energy giving to someone that just doesn't seem to care."
So, here are the stories of our lives....Thanks for listening!
I am 24 and my husband will be 30 shortly! Butterfly is his biological daughter from a previous marriage, and she is 8. Her birth mom was neglectful and did not take care of her. She didn't feed her, change her diapers, hold her, etc. My husband didn't notice at first as he was working long hours and cared for Butterfly when he got home. When he did realize what was going on, Butterfly was moved to daycare, and they divorced. Also, he was in the Air Force Reserves, so after the divorce he moved in with his parents, and he was frequently gone to training and serving overseas. The birth mom is no longer in the picture.
I met him when I was 20, and we married a year ago. About a month after the wedding we discovered what Butterfly's true issue was. I remember when we first started dating, we would talk to his family about what had happened when she was a baby, and we all commented how lucky that she was too young to remember anything that her birth mom did to her....WRONG! It seems like such a ridiculous thought now that we know the full extent of the damage it did, and we live with it every day.
We have been meeting with an amazing therapist about once a month for the last year, and we have been making some great progess. Luckily, she is not as severe as some RAD kids. But she isn't easy, either. It's hard to remember the progress we have made on those days when you can see the anger and hatred oozing out of her. And it's hard being 24 and dealing with this on a daily basis. I know I don't always do things the way I should, and I wish I could change that by snapping my fingers. But sometimes I still feel like a kid myself. But we are making progress. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. The lying and stealing have almost completely stopped. She steals food in the middle of the night every once in awhile, but it is a far cry from what it used to be. She used to steal every day. And the lies are few and far between. And she's pretty quick to admit the truth with a little pressing.
She has also taken to imitating me, which just sends me to the moon! It drives me crazy to have people imitate me. And I know that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery...but it makes me bananas. My husband thinks it's great that she wants to be like me and he says this is what a normal child would do. Which is fabulous. But it still makes me crazy. And she gets so intense about EVERYTHING. We went shopping the other day, and in the past I've made comments that we need to work on her taste in clothing and accessories. We were in an accessories store the other day, and she picked up everything in the store that she could get her little hands on to ask me if it was good taste. Then I was trying on shoes, and she brought like 30 shoes over to me to find out if they were good taste! And on and on....I just want her to chill out. It all feels so forced, and like I said it makes me crazy. I am hoping this is a phase while she gets her bearings set, and starts to realize that, as much as I would like to some days, I am not leaving.
So again, I am hoping this blog helps me to get out some thoughts and feelings that otherwise would be kept bottled up. It's so hard talking about RAD to family and friends because they mean well but they just don't get it. They think she's so sweet and charming. Or they think these are all normal behaviors. Or I'm exaggerating. Or they do get it, and they tell me how much she has improved and that I shouldn't get so stressed! That's the most frustrating. And I just want to scream, "You aren't there when she threatens to harm me! You aren't there for the tantrums and screaming that do not end! You don't know how it feels to be unloved and unappreciated every single day in your own home, after you spend every ounce of energy giving to someone that just doesn't seem to care."
So, here are the stories of our lives....Thanks for listening!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
First Post
I've decided to start a blog to talk about my family and our struggles with RAD. This is really for my own use. I want to be able to look back and see progress. Or at least remind myself of things that have happened in our family. My daughter's nickname is Butterfly, and I will refer to her as such in this blog.
Butterfly has been struggling at school. I have to say, I don't believe it is entirely her fault. Her teacher has yet to try and understand RAD and what it entails. She only sees a sweet little girl that doesn't cause any trouble. Of course, that is because she has yet to tell Butterfly something she doesn't like. She has been struggling with her spelling words. She took a test yesterday, and got one right. That evening, I had her read each word and spell it three times. She then had to write each word one time. After she finished we played a little game. She stood on one end of the room, while I sat on the couch. For every word she spelled correctly, she could take one step toward me, for every incorrect word, she had to take one step back. When she reached me her prize was a hug. We played the game three times last night - she only misspelled one word!!!! We played again this morning and she still got them all right! I asked her teacher to give her the test again today, so I guess we will see how that goes. I'm hoping she did well.
She also needs to know all of her aunts, uncles and cousins for a Social Studies project. As I was writing the info down for her teacher, I asked her to name her aunts. She named my brother's wife immediately, but she couldn't remember her other aunt, who is her dad's sister, and a biological aunt. They lived together in the same house for two years. She honestly couldn't remember. I reminded her who it was and she said Oh, why hasn't she called us? She probably forgot about me because she is too busy with her baby. (She just had a baby boy in August) I would love to be inside her head sometimes. Because to us, this seems like something easily dismissed, but she probably really does feel abandoned by her aunt, who she hasn't seen or talked to in almost three months.
Butterfly has been struggling at school. I have to say, I don't believe it is entirely her fault. Her teacher has yet to try and understand RAD and what it entails. She only sees a sweet little girl that doesn't cause any trouble. Of course, that is because she has yet to tell Butterfly something she doesn't like. She has been struggling with her spelling words. She took a test yesterday, and got one right. That evening, I had her read each word and spell it three times. She then had to write each word one time. After she finished we played a little game. She stood on one end of the room, while I sat on the couch. For every word she spelled correctly, she could take one step toward me, for every incorrect word, she had to take one step back. When she reached me her prize was a hug. We played the game three times last night - she only misspelled one word!!!! We played again this morning and she still got them all right! I asked her teacher to give her the test again today, so I guess we will see how that goes. I'm hoping she did well.
She also needs to know all of her aunts, uncles and cousins for a Social Studies project. As I was writing the info down for her teacher, I asked her to name her aunts. She named my brother's wife immediately, but she couldn't remember her other aunt, who is her dad's sister, and a biological aunt. They lived together in the same house for two years. She honestly couldn't remember. I reminded her who it was and she said Oh, why hasn't she called us? She probably forgot about me because she is too busy with her baby. (She just had a baby boy in August) I would love to be inside her head sometimes. Because to us, this seems like something easily dismissed, but she probably really does feel abandoned by her aunt, who she hasn't seen or talked to in almost three months.
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