We've been having a rough couple weeks to say the least. Butterfly has been stealing and sneaking like none other. I haven't seen her like this in a long time, and I have no idea what the trigger is. She has dumped chocolate syrup on her carpet, hot pink nail polish on her carpet, mattress, and pillow, taken food, hairspray, nail polish remover, and more. I am beyond frustrated. I guess I need to go buy locks for the closet doors and bathroom doors - I thought everything was out of her reach, but apparently a determined little girl can get to anything she wants.
I am beyond fed up, and I have no idea what to do. I thought she had a breakthrough. I sat in her room and told her how I felt about all this and that I want to help but if she won't talk to me, I can't do anything to make things better. After I left, she cried and screamed at her birth mom for a good 10 minutes. About how she is trying to fight back at her, but instead she fights back at me. And that she isn't going to love her BM anymore, and she is giving all of her love to her real mom. She has a mom and dad that love her now, and she wants to be a normal kid, and is tired of the RAD. And she hates her BM for hurting her, but now she has a new mom that has never hurt her. I stood outside her room and cried - how horrible that a little eight year old has all of these terrible feelings. She shouldn't have to go through this, and its days like that when I would love to have a couple minutes alone with her birthmom.
So anyways, despite the fact that we had a very bad weekend, I decided to start over, and maybe she meant it, and wanted to try. I went in and hugged for a long time and talked to her, and we had a lovely rest of the evening. Then later, her dad went in her room and found her playing with my hairspray. So it felt like another slap in the face. Why did she do it? I'm so fed up - I feel like such a fool. I just keep getting beat up, but I turn around and keep going back for more and more. I am at the end of my rope - I don't know what more I can do. I can't figure out what is setting her off, and all I know is that I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I cannot do anything without letting her out of my sight. I can't even go and do laundry or go to the bathroom, without worrying about what she will get into.
Her bedroom is completely empty now, except for her bed, an empty dresser, and two shelves on the wall. I feel horrible - I want her to have a little girl's room, but I can't trust her. I don't know if this is the right way either -taking everything out - but it's the only way I can handle it. I don't have time to dig through every bin and box and drawer to find out what she stole. This way there are limited places at least.
I don't know. I feel like the past two years have been a total waste and we haven't changed anything.
And the only good news - my goddaughter is coming to visit this weekend. :)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I Think We're Going to Be Besties!
Poor Butterfly. I can't imagine what it must feel like to so desperately want love and attention from someone. The sad part is she is starting to realize that the way her grandparents treat her isn't great. She has been dysregulated this week because of her visit and because of drama camp. But the things coming out of her mouth are heartbreaking.
"Why aren't NaeNae and Papa coming to see my show? This is my third show, and they've never come to see me."
"Why don't they call me?"
"Why do we have to make all of the trips to see them?"
And on and on. And what do you say? You're only important when it fits their schedule honey. ????? I don't know. She convinced herself they would come see Fiddler on the Roof this weekend, so last Thursday I let her call to ask. (Why do I have to be the one to tell her no for them?) So she called, and her Papa made excuses for why they couldn't come. And the sweet eight year old tried to explain ways they could make it work, after all, there is a show on Saturday for them to come to!
She was so upset the next morning - I don't blame her. Also, she only had ten minutes to talk because it was past her bedtime. She got on the phone with NaeNae, and told her she couldn't talk her time was up. So NaeNae promised to call on Saturday.
NaeNae never called on Saturday. NaeNae never called on Sunday. Butterfly tried to call them, and there was no answer on Sunday night.
So, you are making promises to the girl with trust issues, and then not following through. Fantastically brilliant.
And last night illustrated to me just how important it is to keep promises to that little Butterfly. After I picked her up from drama camp, we went to Target then I decided we'd get Frosty's at Wendys. We go through the drive-through, and the guy tells me they have a kid's size that is six ounces - which I thought would be the same as their value size. It's not. It was about as big as my thumb and I almost died laughing, seriously it was about three spoonfuls. She handled it really well, and to make it up to her I told her she could have one of those mini delight microwave chocolate cakes after dinner. Well, I let her play late at her friend's house, so I threw her dinner together and got her in the shower, then realized I didn't make her the cake. I thought well, I could let it go, because she forgot for now, too. So no big deal. But then I decided to make it anyways because I did promise and I would hate for her to wake up in the middle of the night upset that I broke a promise. So she came out after her shower and saw the cake, and you could see on her face how excited she was that I remembered. She ate her cake, and I was in the bedroom cleaning. When she finished she came in and gave me the biggest longest bear hug EVER. She has never hugged me like that, and it was so full of love. How good it must have felt to that little girl that a promise was made and kept. It was so wonderful. And a reminder to always keep promises to her no matter what.
Anyways, I also emailed my mom and my MIL some articles about RAD from Nancy Thomas on Friday. Honestly, they were directed at my MIL and I just put my mom on the email so it looked like I wasn't singling her out. I sent one about making sure they get enough sleep, use their manners, and the one that was the reason I sent the email called Awesome Grand Parenting for RAD. My MIL actually responded to the email. I was SHOCKED. I wish I could post it here. Here are the highlights.
1. She has an amazing bond with Butterfly because of the time they raised her when she was a toddler, and that bond is growing stronger every day.
2. It is very important that Butterfly sees that Patrick and I have a good relationship with her and my FIL.
3. She is here to support me in any way that she can, but isn't sure if she should call me to chat.
4. We don't know each other very well after five years, and that's okay.
5. She is going to start sending notes of encouragement to all of us.
6. She wishes I could have met her dad before he died.
7. If I ever need a listening ear, I can email her and she will call me that night if she's available.
8. I'm doing a good job and raising kids can be difficult and tiring.
See! I told you, we're going to be Besties because everything is okay now, and she really gets it this time!
Honestly, all I see is a delusional woman that can talk the talk but will never walk the walk. Does she really think her bond with B is getting stronger? All I see is a heartbroken girl that is dreading her visit in July, and would give anything to not have to go. Is it really okay that she's known me for 5 years, and I have been raising the most important person in her life all this time, and she still hasn't really gotten to know me? Does she think I want her to be my shoulder to lean on?
She is amazing at saying what people want to hear. Sadly, I see right through her, and have since the day I met her. She told me all I never needed to know about her when she said I will never really be 100% B's real mom, she wishes we would move to Florida so at least my parent's wouldn't get to be around B all the time either, and when I told her concrete things I needed from her, and two years later, I have yet to see her even try to give me any of it. So there you go. The only reason she is still in my life is because my husband isn't ready to sever the relationship, and that is his right. But he is also about to his wit's end, and every day is getting a little less interested in maintaining the relationship.
Anyways, who knew my RAD blog would actually end up being more about my attachment-disordered MIL?!?! Sorry for all the rants - I need to get it out though.
I'm super excited for B's show this weekend - I went to camp yesterday to help her out with some of the steps, and she really improved. It ought to be good - it is riot to see the little kids doing Fiddler.
Hope summer is going well for everyone! :)
"Why aren't NaeNae and Papa coming to see my show? This is my third show, and they've never come to see me."
"Why don't they call me?"
"Why do we have to make all of the trips to see them?"
And on and on. And what do you say? You're only important when it fits their schedule honey. ????? I don't know. She convinced herself they would come see Fiddler on the Roof this weekend, so last Thursday I let her call to ask. (Why do I have to be the one to tell her no for them?) So she called, and her Papa made excuses for why they couldn't come. And the sweet eight year old tried to explain ways they could make it work, after all, there is a show on Saturday for them to come to!
She was so upset the next morning - I don't blame her. Also, she only had ten minutes to talk because it was past her bedtime. She got on the phone with NaeNae, and told her she couldn't talk her time was up. So NaeNae promised to call on Saturday.
NaeNae never called on Saturday. NaeNae never called on Sunday. Butterfly tried to call them, and there was no answer on Sunday night.
So, you are making promises to the girl with trust issues, and then not following through. Fantastically brilliant.
And last night illustrated to me just how important it is to keep promises to that little Butterfly. After I picked her up from drama camp, we went to Target then I decided we'd get Frosty's at Wendys. We go through the drive-through, and the guy tells me they have a kid's size that is six ounces - which I thought would be the same as their value size. It's not. It was about as big as my thumb and I almost died laughing, seriously it was about three spoonfuls. She handled it really well, and to make it up to her I told her she could have one of those mini delight microwave chocolate cakes after dinner. Well, I let her play late at her friend's house, so I threw her dinner together and got her in the shower, then realized I didn't make her the cake. I thought well, I could let it go, because she forgot for now, too. So no big deal. But then I decided to make it anyways because I did promise and I would hate for her to wake up in the middle of the night upset that I broke a promise. So she came out after her shower and saw the cake, and you could see on her face how excited she was that I remembered. She ate her cake, and I was in the bedroom cleaning. When she finished she came in and gave me the biggest longest bear hug EVER. She has never hugged me like that, and it was so full of love. How good it must have felt to that little girl that a promise was made and kept. It was so wonderful. And a reminder to always keep promises to her no matter what.
Anyways, I also emailed my mom and my MIL some articles about RAD from Nancy Thomas on Friday. Honestly, they were directed at my MIL and I just put my mom on the email so it looked like I wasn't singling her out. I sent one about making sure they get enough sleep, use their manners, and the one that was the reason I sent the email called Awesome Grand Parenting for RAD. My MIL actually responded to the email. I was SHOCKED. I wish I could post it here. Here are the highlights.
1. She has an amazing bond with Butterfly because of the time they raised her when she was a toddler, and that bond is growing stronger every day.
2. It is very important that Butterfly sees that Patrick and I have a good relationship with her and my FIL.
3. She is here to support me in any way that she can, but isn't sure if she should call me to chat.
4. We don't know each other very well after five years, and that's okay.
5. She is going to start sending notes of encouragement to all of us.
6. She wishes I could have met her dad before he died.
7. If I ever need a listening ear, I can email her and she will call me that night if she's available.
8. I'm doing a good job and raising kids can be difficult and tiring.
See! I told you, we're going to be Besties because everything is okay now, and she really gets it this time!
Honestly, all I see is a delusional woman that can talk the talk but will never walk the walk. Does she really think her bond with B is getting stronger? All I see is a heartbroken girl that is dreading her visit in July, and would give anything to not have to go. Is it really okay that she's known me for 5 years, and I have been raising the most important person in her life all this time, and she still hasn't really gotten to know me? Does she think I want her to be my shoulder to lean on?
She is amazing at saying what people want to hear. Sadly, I see right through her, and have since the day I met her. She told me all I never needed to know about her when she said I will never really be 100% B's real mom, she wishes we would move to Florida so at least my parent's wouldn't get to be around B all the time either, and when I told her concrete things I needed from her, and two years later, I have yet to see her even try to give me any of it. So there you go. The only reason she is still in my life is because my husband isn't ready to sever the relationship, and that is his right. But he is also about to his wit's end, and every day is getting a little less interested in maintaining the relationship.
Anyways, who knew my RAD blog would actually end up being more about my attachment-disordered MIL?!?! Sorry for all the rants - I need to get it out though.
I'm super excited for B's show this weekend - I went to camp yesterday to help her out with some of the steps, and she really improved. It ought to be good - it is riot to see the little kids doing Fiddler.
Hope summer is going well for everyone! :)
Monday, June 8, 2009
Drama, Drama
We are home from our weekend in Wisconsin! I had a fantastic time with Isla, and wouldn't have traded my time with her and my brother and SIL for anything. I was sad to leave, and had to hold back tears!
And my lovely Butterfly survived her trip to Green Bay. God bless her. It was once again a weekend of no rules and just a big free for all. Do whatever you want. Eat whatever you want. Watch whatever you want. Buy whatever you want. Don't wash your hair or brush your teeth. No rules because we want to be the COOL grandparents.
Obviously, this didn't sit well with my B, the girl that has more rules imposed on her than any child I know. And for once I see that she actually prefers her rules, and didn't feel safe while she was there. On Saturday, she called her dad to tell him she got high-heeled flip-flops (not allowed at our house) and iCarly sunglasses (also not allowed). And to tell him she went with Papa to the gas station and bought the big bag of Jolly Ranchers and ate the whole bag. On Sunday, she called me first thing in the morning to tell me she watched all three Cheetah Girls movies (not allowed) the night before. To NaeNae and Papa she was sharing her good times, to Patrick and I she was feeling 1. SCARED to death that she was getting away with all these things and had no rules and 2. Guilty that she was doing these things! Yay, Butterfly! Who knew you'd be so excited that your child felt guilty?!?!? But it's not a feeling we see often.
Poor girl, I felt terrible. Add to it that on our drive home she was saying how homesick she was, and she wanted me to come get her. Also, she shared that one time she saw my number show up on the TV that I was calling, and she knew it was me, but NaeNae said it was someone else, and they weren't answering. Nice. I asked who let her call me on Sunday, and she said Papa let her use the cell phone while NaeNae was upstairs in the bathroom. Isn't that great? So, I don't know the whole story, but I'm getting the idea that NaeNae didn't want B contacting me. When she did answer my call Saturday night, NN didn't sound all too happy that I wanted to talk to B.
Can someone please tell me what the flip is wrong with these people? My husband got an earful from me on Saturday night and again Sunday night. And another earful from my mom this morning. He's upset, too, but thinks for July we should just send a binder with all of her rules, and not address the numerous lapses in judgement from this past weekend. Hello?!? I love him, but some days I'm quite certain he is permanently out to lunch. How about if you can't be grown-ups then you can't see your granddaughter? If you can't respect our rules, you can't be alone with her. I don't know what is going to happen, but I think what my mom had to say this morning was an eye opener for him, because she definitely didn't hold back. But at some point this needs to be done, because I can't keep pretending it's okay. I so wish his family could be part of the solution, and we could have at the very least a cordial relationship, but crazy is crazy, and I'll be darned if they mess up our lives.
B had an awesome drive back - she was very well-behaved. She normally is pitching fits left and right. And it never crossed her mind that I didn't bring the DVD player for the drive. We spent almost two hours listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack while I told her the story and what was happening during each song. Also, yay for Wendy's - they gave away a book on tape CD with their kids meal so we listened to that a couple times too. I was very proud of her.
Of course this morning she was her RAD self, but she got it together in time for Drama Camp. Yipee. I know we will have issues the beginning of this week, because it is tryouts for the musical, and she always wants the lead role without doing anything. Not to mention, leads normally go to the older kids. But I just keep explaning to her that every role is important, you need to practice, you need to be a team player and on and on. We do this same thing every year...and yet she really enjoys the camp once she gets over the drama of not getting a lead.
Anyways, stay tuned. There is sure to be plenty of drama this week! :)
And my lovely Butterfly survived her trip to Green Bay. God bless her. It was once again a weekend of no rules and just a big free for all. Do whatever you want. Eat whatever you want. Watch whatever you want. Buy whatever you want. Don't wash your hair or brush your teeth. No rules because we want to be the COOL grandparents.
Obviously, this didn't sit well with my B, the girl that has more rules imposed on her than any child I know. And for once I see that she actually prefers her rules, and didn't feel safe while she was there. On Saturday, she called her dad to tell him she got high-heeled flip-flops (not allowed at our house) and iCarly sunglasses (also not allowed). And to tell him she went with Papa to the gas station and bought the big bag of Jolly Ranchers and ate the whole bag. On Sunday, she called me first thing in the morning to tell me she watched all three Cheetah Girls movies (not allowed) the night before. To NaeNae and Papa she was sharing her good times, to Patrick and I she was feeling 1. SCARED to death that she was getting away with all these things and had no rules and 2. Guilty that she was doing these things! Yay, Butterfly! Who knew you'd be so excited that your child felt guilty?!?!? But it's not a feeling we see often.
Poor girl, I felt terrible. Add to it that on our drive home she was saying how homesick she was, and she wanted me to come get her. Also, she shared that one time she saw my number show up on the TV that I was calling, and she knew it was me, but NaeNae said it was someone else, and they weren't answering. Nice. I asked who let her call me on Sunday, and she said Papa let her use the cell phone while NaeNae was upstairs in the bathroom. Isn't that great? So, I don't know the whole story, but I'm getting the idea that NaeNae didn't want B contacting me. When she did answer my call Saturday night, NN didn't sound all too happy that I wanted to talk to B.
Can someone please tell me what the flip is wrong with these people? My husband got an earful from me on Saturday night and again Sunday night. And another earful from my mom this morning. He's upset, too, but thinks for July we should just send a binder with all of her rules, and not address the numerous lapses in judgement from this past weekend. Hello?!? I love him, but some days I'm quite certain he is permanently out to lunch. How about if you can't be grown-ups then you can't see your granddaughter? If you can't respect our rules, you can't be alone with her. I don't know what is going to happen, but I think what my mom had to say this morning was an eye opener for him, because she definitely didn't hold back. But at some point this needs to be done, because I can't keep pretending it's okay. I so wish his family could be part of the solution, and we could have at the very least a cordial relationship, but crazy is crazy, and I'll be darned if they mess up our lives.
B had an awesome drive back - she was very well-behaved. She normally is pitching fits left and right. And it never crossed her mind that I didn't bring the DVD player for the drive. We spent almost two hours listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack while I told her the story and what was happening during each song. Also, yay for Wendy's - they gave away a book on tape CD with their kids meal so we listened to that a couple times too. I was very proud of her.
Of course this morning she was her RAD self, but she got it together in time for Drama Camp. Yipee. I know we will have issues the beginning of this week, because it is tryouts for the musical, and she always wants the lead role without doing anything. Not to mention, leads normally go to the older kids. But I just keep explaning to her that every role is important, you need to practice, you need to be a team player and on and on. We do this same thing every year...and yet she really enjoys the camp once she gets over the drama of not getting a lead.
Anyways, stay tuned. There is sure to be plenty of drama this week! :)
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I Must Be Crazy...
Well, Butterfly and I barely survived our first day together! But she made progress on her room, and we are headed in the right direction on that front. But our four days to complete the project has been shortened, and it needs to be finished tomorrow.
Why?
Because after talking to my sister-in-law on Monday, I decided we were leaving Thursday for a mini trip to Wisconsin. My husband's parents will meet me in Milwaukee on Thursday and take B to Green Bay. I will stay in Milwaukee and love on my gorgeous goddaughter for as long as possible. And my hubby will have a boy's weekend with our puppy at home. Everyone is pretty excited about their separate weekend, too. Hubby is so excited about the thought of a quiet house with video games, movies, junk food and gardening. Ruya is excited to see her Papa, and I am so looking forward to a time alone with my big brother, sis-in-law, goddaughter, friends, grandma, and cousins! It will be great!
Of course, I will certainly pay for all of this next week, but I'm pretty sure we all need a break. I hope it goes well... And yay for my hubby - I told my in-laws I would be in Milwaukee, and they can meet me there if they want B for the weekend. They asked me to meet them half way in Sheboygan, and my hubby said No, Brie is already driving six hours. You can drive to Milwaukee. :) What a huge step!
I am absolutely ecstatic, and I'm so thrilled my sister-in-law suggested this! And I have to post a picture of my goddaughter, so you can see why I'm always so thrilled to see her!
Have a great week!
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