First, thank you for the tips regarding B's anger. I think it is definitely time to go back and reread all our books.
It has been a crazy, rollercoaster kind of week. After I last posted, things took a turn for the worse. We are slowly getting back to our normal. On Wednesday, the principal called to tell me that B got in trouble for saying "fr*ckin" and would be missing two recesses. Thursday, the teacher called to let me know B got caught with a lunch bag full of M&Ms. Turns out she stole five bags from her teacher. I had class that night, so when I picked her up from my Mom's house, I took her to Walgreens. She bought ten bags of M&Ms, a card, and tissue paper/gift bag with her own money. She was livid. As she was paying, she looked at me and said "I wanted to use this money to buy something nice for myself. You should use your debit card to pay." I love the absolute lack of cause and effect thinking. She was in full RAD mode - it didn't matter what I said or did, she just kept pushing and escalating. I was beyond exasperated by the time my husband got home. He was even angrier than she was. He really internalizes everything that she does at school, I guess because he is in school to be a teacher.
Anyways, we were all at our wits end. This seriously was the one week I wanted no stress, so I could have a successful doctor's appointment. Hahaha. Shirley, our therapist, came Friday afternoon. I have never been happier to see her! My husband, on the other hand, was less thrilled. As soon as she mentioned that we need to stop fighting her homework, and just let B know that thrid grade would be there next year, he tuned her out. My Mom then was pissed because she's paying for it and he's acting like a child and staring at the wall (it was rather upsetting to see him act that way). The session ended with my mom leaving to give us time alone with Shirley, me in tears, and Patrick continuing not to acknowledge his feelings. I can't even begin to explain how angry I was with him for acting that way. He picked B up from school, and was still angry with her for her less than stellar week at school. I knew I couldn't be around him, and I didn't want to leave B with his negativity either. I put a call in for pizza for him, washed the horrendous face painting off B, and took her to run errands with me.
In the car, I told her we needed to talk and that I was just stressed about the whole week, and knew she must have been, too. She asked when Shirley was coming (I believe this is where her behavior was coming from - afraid of Shirley finding something out?), and I let her know that she had already met with her this afternoon. I told her that Shirley, Dad, Grandma and I had spent the afternoon trying to figure out ways to help B. Suddenly, she burst into tears. Real tears, not her droopy, poopy, fake RAD girl tears. I asked why she was crying and she said "I didn't realize you were trying to help me. You guys are all trying to help me." She said it in such disbelief. We chatted a little more, and she cried some more until we got to the mall. We picked up her pictures from Penney's then went to dinner and did a little shopping for her 80s girl Halloween costume. All in all, a successful and relaxing evening for both of us.
Still, I wanted to hang my husband. We talked a little Friday night, and I told him how angry and disappointed I was in him. He got irritated and wouldn't talk anymore. Saturday, my mom and I had planned to go shopping, but I hadn't heard from her. I debated on if I should go over or not, because I knew she was still furious from Friday (as was I), and I didn't much feel like listening to her yell. But I knew it would be worse if I didn't go, so off I went it. She yelled at me about him for about 15 minutes all the while telling me she hated having to do this to me since it wasn't my fault. But she was mad. Anyways, she got it out of her system and we were able to enjoy the rest of the day together, making progress on Halloween costumes and Christmas shopping.
Saturday night I went home, and tried talking to Patrick again. Still not much luck. We went to church Sunday morning, and then after awhile of him still being pissed and wanting it to affect me, and me going on about my day, he finally broke and talked about it. We have been having conversations on and off since then about it, and I think we are finally getting to a place where he understands that what he did was immature and inappropriate, and this is his daughter and he needs to step up.
I fully acknowledge my shortcomings in all of this, and after Friday I am trying to make a conscious effort to do better. Sometimes B just irritates me to no end. And I haven't been patient enough with her. And I yell and do everything I shouldn't because she is just so IRRITATING. Shirley was a reminder that irritation is one of the worst emotions we can show RAD kids. And most nights, it is just B and I, so I have her do her work by herself while I worry about the 524 other things I need to get done. She isn't getting the attention she needs. So, this week I have tried to make a more conscious effort to be present and patient. I made it through Monday and Tuesday!!!! I have been more available to her, patient when she is struggling with homework, while she eats dinner I have sat across from her and chatted. I've spent time reading with her and cuddling. These things are so difficult for me to do, because I have lost so much feeling towards this child. But I recognize that I need to be the adult, and she isn't going to get better with me acting like that. So as Shirley always reminds us - Fake it til you make it! So I'm trying.
Also, my husband and I struggle with the homework thing because neither one of us can honestly say "third grade will be there next year" and just not be involved with her schooling. We are both in education - it's ingrained in us! So B and I chatted and came up with homework rules. I wrote them on the dry erase board, and we both signed them. (Dad signed later when he got home from class.) We decided that:
1. She has a set amount of time (which will always be plenty) in which to complete each assignment. (ex. spelling words - 15 min)
2. She gets to choose if she is going to complete the assignment or not.
3. If she doesn't complete the assignment, we determined four consequences - the same ones every night. So, if she chooses not to finish spelling words, she gets the first consequence automatically. I won't fight it with her, and I won't yell at her for not finishing her work. We just move onto the next assignment.
I don't know - these may not be the greatest for RAD kids. But it's the only way I can think of to keep myself calm and consistent. Plus, she goes nuts about doing homework - "It's going to take forever!!!" But if I give her fifteen minutes, she knows that isn't a long time, and she can be done quick. I guess we'll see how this works for awhile. She did great last night, and was done with her homework so quickly that she was able to have time for a long shower, and reading time with me. It was a good night.
Of course, I still got irritated, but I made a conscious effort to stay calm and keep it together. She has also been a lot needier since she knows that I'm around, which drives me nuts, but I guess it won't hurt to give her some attention, will it? :) It is going to take time for me to get better at this, but I'm going to keep trying. Patrick is with her tonight while I run errands. I just talked him through how to handle everything and what he needs to do. I'm going to bring pizza home later and we'll watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
In other news, Shirley recommended a chiropractor to us. He doesn't charge for kids under 12, and apparently has done fantastic things for her other clients. He checks their toxicity levels and works on that. She said she recently had two clients that have been seeing him call to cancel appointments because their RAD kid has made such progress, so now they need her less frequently. Cool. I'll give anything a shot. I put a call in to make an appointment, and hope to hear back tomorrow (they're closed today).
So that's where we are...I'm trying to stay optimistic that we can all stay on the right track.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Update
First, my dear Butterfly is in search of a new family. If you know of one, please let me know. Apparently, we are too mean and frustrating, and her life would be much better if she were in foster care. Her words, not mine.
Anyways, things have been going. Butterfly has been all over the place. She handled our trip to Milwaukee for my goddaughter’s birthday surprisingly well. No major issues before, during or after. Yay.
She also handled my parents 12 day trip to Italy well. She was so thrilled to pick them up at the airport. She’s never done that before, so it was a treat. She made a sign, and anxiously awaited their arrival. She loved surprising them, and of course was thrilled to see them after two weeks.
In general, Butterfly has just been consistently difficult. There is always an issue. Either her clothes don’t fit or I’m too mean or someone hurt or feelings or just in general someone else has it better than she does. I’m so tired of hearing it.
Saturday night my family had our annual “Shootsenfest” at the clubhouse. My grandpa has a clubhouse on a river – an old rundown shack on stilts – no heat, no bathrooms, no nothing. My uncle started the tradition a few years ago – we spend the afternoon/evening shooting clay pigeons (hence Shootsenfest), sitting around the campfire, taking wagon rides through the forest and eating yummy foods. We drove out with my parents, and everyone was having a good time. My cousins have little girls ranging in age from 2 – 12, so they all play together quite well. My least favorite part is that everyone brings Halloween treats for the girls. Well, Butterfly gorged on candy (my fault – I was trying not to cause waves), went on a hayride and endured some ribbing from the family (as did everyone else), and was just in general worn out from her day. She had the most colossal fit I have ever seen. The night was winding down and it was getting late, and the girls were all sacked out on an aunt, mom or grandma’s lap, so I called B over so she could start to chill. She was not happy, and started getting witchy. I had already told her I wasn’t going there, and it got a little worse so I took her to the truck and we got inside, and she lost it. Hitting, kicking, screaming. She was insane. God bless my husband, he came and took over quickly. My mom walked to the truck and couldn’t believe what she saw. She had never seen B act like that. Anyways, it was a rough way to end the day, but we learned she still isn’t ready for all of that. We thought she could handle it, but in the future we will have to go to these events for a short period of time, and be sure to drive separately so if there is an issue, we can leave.
So, anyways, we have survived it and are moving on. No new news on the in-laws. They have been laying low, and B talked to them Sunday night for the first time in two weeks. I’ve stopped talking about them in any capacity when she is around, and don’t make it my job to make sure she talks to them. They are being slightly passive aggressive and trying to get us to come up North for Thanksgiving, but Patrick and I are very firm that it will not be happening. Last year we talked about holidays, and decided that since Thanksgiving is the least emotionally charged holiday for families out of the three big ones, it would be the one that we always celebrate at home, so we could start family traditions. Of course, anyone is welcome to join us any year. It is surprising to me how important it has already become to B – this will be our third year. I was chatting with her this weekend and just letting her know what to expect for the holidays, and told her it would be the three of us for Thanksgiving. She was so happy, and was relieved to know we would be carrying on our family tradition of going to see the Way of Lights at the Shrine. (It’s a big display at the Shrine by our house of lights that you drive through and it depicts everything from Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem to the Birth – it is AMAZING.) I was surprised how important such a little thing like that is to her. But it’s good to see.
Also, the day after Thanksgiving, B will be starting the winter drama camp for the first time!! They will be putting on Godspell, which is the very first drama camp show I ever did! I’m SO excited…and she is, too. She will be busy at camp every Saturday through Christmas, then the shows will be the Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas. This is the first year we have been able to make it work, and we are hoping it is something she will be able to do in the future.
Anyways, I have been trying to stay relaxed this week, as I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. These every three month appointments are getting old, and I am hopeful for good results, so I can get on the once a year plan like everyone else. Of course, my stress-free week hasn’t been off to the best start. B came home ready to fight, and left me with a pounding headache which lasted me well into this morning. I’ll try again tonight.
And in the meantime, if anyone has tips for dealing with my little dear’s anger issues, I would be forever grateful. I’ve never seen her like this before, and don’t know if this is “normal” or if I’m missing something huge again.
Anyways, things have been going. Butterfly has been all over the place. She handled our trip to Milwaukee for my goddaughter’s birthday surprisingly well. No major issues before, during or after. Yay.
She also handled my parents 12 day trip to Italy well. She was so thrilled to pick them up at the airport. She’s never done that before, so it was a treat. She made a sign, and anxiously awaited their arrival. She loved surprising them, and of course was thrilled to see them after two weeks.
In general, Butterfly has just been consistently difficult. There is always an issue. Either her clothes don’t fit or I’m too mean or someone hurt or feelings or just in general someone else has it better than she does. I’m so tired of hearing it.
Saturday night my family had our annual “Shootsenfest” at the clubhouse. My grandpa has a clubhouse on a river – an old rundown shack on stilts – no heat, no bathrooms, no nothing. My uncle started the tradition a few years ago – we spend the afternoon/evening shooting clay pigeons (hence Shootsenfest), sitting around the campfire, taking wagon rides through the forest and eating yummy foods. We drove out with my parents, and everyone was having a good time. My cousins have little girls ranging in age from 2 – 12, so they all play together quite well. My least favorite part is that everyone brings Halloween treats for the girls. Well, Butterfly gorged on candy (my fault – I was trying not to cause waves), went on a hayride and endured some ribbing from the family (as did everyone else), and was just in general worn out from her day. She had the most colossal fit I have ever seen. The night was winding down and it was getting late, and the girls were all sacked out on an aunt, mom or grandma’s lap, so I called B over so she could start to chill. She was not happy, and started getting witchy. I had already told her I wasn’t going there, and it got a little worse so I took her to the truck and we got inside, and she lost it. Hitting, kicking, screaming. She was insane. God bless my husband, he came and took over quickly. My mom walked to the truck and couldn’t believe what she saw. She had never seen B act like that. Anyways, it was a rough way to end the day, but we learned she still isn’t ready for all of that. We thought she could handle it, but in the future we will have to go to these events for a short period of time, and be sure to drive separately so if there is an issue, we can leave.
So, anyways, we have survived it and are moving on. No new news on the in-laws. They have been laying low, and B talked to them Sunday night for the first time in two weeks. I’ve stopped talking about them in any capacity when she is around, and don’t make it my job to make sure she talks to them. They are being slightly passive aggressive and trying to get us to come up North for Thanksgiving, but Patrick and I are very firm that it will not be happening. Last year we talked about holidays, and decided that since Thanksgiving is the least emotionally charged holiday for families out of the three big ones, it would be the one that we always celebrate at home, so we could start family traditions. Of course, anyone is welcome to join us any year. It is surprising to me how important it has already become to B – this will be our third year. I was chatting with her this weekend and just letting her know what to expect for the holidays, and told her it would be the three of us for Thanksgiving. She was so happy, and was relieved to know we would be carrying on our family tradition of going to see the Way of Lights at the Shrine. (It’s a big display at the Shrine by our house of lights that you drive through and it depicts everything from Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem to the Birth – it is AMAZING.) I was surprised how important such a little thing like that is to her. But it’s good to see.
Also, the day after Thanksgiving, B will be starting the winter drama camp for the first time!! They will be putting on Godspell, which is the very first drama camp show I ever did! I’m SO excited…and she is, too. She will be busy at camp every Saturday through Christmas, then the shows will be the Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas. This is the first year we have been able to make it work, and we are hoping it is something she will be able to do in the future.
Anyways, I have been trying to stay relaxed this week, as I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. These every three month appointments are getting old, and I am hopeful for good results, so I can get on the once a year plan like everyone else. Of course, my stress-free week hasn’t been off to the best start. B came home ready to fight, and left me with a pounding headache which lasted me well into this morning. I’ll try again tonight.
And in the meantime, if anyone has tips for dealing with my little dear’s anger issues, I would be forever grateful. I’ve never seen her like this before, and don’t know if this is “normal” or if I’m missing something huge again.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
We're Going to Pass...
This was too funny, I just had to share. My Goddaughter's birthday party is on Saturday in Milwaukee, so we are headed North for the weekend. Back in August I suggested to my in-laws that they should meet us on Sunday for brunch or lunch. They thought it was a great idea, since they were going to be in Madison that weekend and would be driving through Milwaukee on Sunday. They were planning to attended a football game, and then stay the night in Madison. I called last night to make sure they still wanted to get together and to set a time/place.
I asked if we were still on for Sunday, and my dear mother-in-law responded, "Brie, I think we're going to pass. We just saw you guys a couple weeks ago, and we had a great time." Huh?! I didn't know what to say, obviously! I stuttered something incomprehensible, and she said "This is your weekend with Isla, and we decided it's not worth it for us to stay the weekend. The game starts earlier than we thought, so we're going to head home afterwards." I told her we wouldn't be able to see Isla on Sunday because she was having her 1 year pictures taken, and I told my SIL we would stay out of their way. So, then she says "Well, I'm sure your Grandma will enjoy the extra time with all of you. Like I said, we're just going to pass since we were all just together."
I have never in my life heard of family "passing" on spending time together! You pass on veggies or the little kid selling candy at your door - not spending time with family! I also love that she tried to make it sound like she was doing me a favor because it would give me more time with my family. She also suggested we will need to talk about getting together in October or for Thanksgiving. Ha. I think I'm going to pass.
Anyways, it was the most hilarious conversation I've had in awhile. And awkward. When Patrick got home I told him about our chat, and he was speechless. I really think he was shocked. I do feel bad for him, but I still think it is hilarious. All he could say was "I will never feel bad about them not getting to see B again."
And for a quick update on B - she is lost in constantly feeling horrible for herself. What a depressing life. She woke up this morning, and was upset that in first grade (two years ago) she didn't have a library card. ???????? And I mean severely upset and angry and just off the charts crazy about it. There was no calming her down about anything.
Oh, and on Saturday Patrick had quite a bit of homework to get through, so I took B running errands with me. I was trying to find a charm for Isla's charm bracelet, get her Halloween costume, and a couple other things. She kept saying these passive aggressive comments about me and Isla - SO frustrating. I finally had to sit her down in the mall and have a chat about what was going on and all that good stuff. We were briefly interrupted by two very classy young men stealing shoes from the shoe store we were sitting near, which is always lovely for a young child to see. Anyways, she improved after our chat and we went on about our day. She chose a Halloween costume - an egypshe as she said. To the rest of us, a gypsy.
I asked if we were still on for Sunday, and my dear mother-in-law responded, "Brie, I think we're going to pass. We just saw you guys a couple weeks ago, and we had a great time." Huh?! I didn't know what to say, obviously! I stuttered something incomprehensible, and she said "This is your weekend with Isla, and we decided it's not worth it for us to stay the weekend. The game starts earlier than we thought, so we're going to head home afterwards." I told her we wouldn't be able to see Isla on Sunday because she was having her 1 year pictures taken, and I told my SIL we would stay out of their way. So, then she says "Well, I'm sure your Grandma will enjoy the extra time with all of you. Like I said, we're just going to pass since we were all just together."
I have never in my life heard of family "passing" on spending time together! You pass on veggies or the little kid selling candy at your door - not spending time with family! I also love that she tried to make it sound like she was doing me a favor because it would give me more time with my family. She also suggested we will need to talk about getting together in October or for Thanksgiving. Ha. I think I'm going to pass.
Anyways, it was the most hilarious conversation I've had in awhile. And awkward. When Patrick got home I told him about our chat, and he was speechless. I really think he was shocked. I do feel bad for him, but I still think it is hilarious. All he could say was "I will never feel bad about them not getting to see B again."
And for a quick update on B - she is lost in constantly feeling horrible for herself. What a depressing life. She woke up this morning, and was upset that in first grade (two years ago) she didn't have a library card. ???????? And I mean severely upset and angry and just off the charts crazy about it. There was no calming her down about anything.
Oh, and on Saturday Patrick had quite a bit of homework to get through, so I took B running errands with me. I was trying to find a charm for Isla's charm bracelet, get her Halloween costume, and a couple other things. She kept saying these passive aggressive comments about me and Isla - SO frustrating. I finally had to sit her down in the mall and have a chat about what was going on and all that good stuff. We were briefly interrupted by two very classy young men stealing shoes from the shoe store we were sitting near, which is always lovely for a young child to see. Anyways, she improved after our chat and we went on about our day. She chose a Halloween costume - an egypshe as she said. To the rest of us, a gypsy.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Pictures!
Today is Butterfly's 9th Birthday. Happy Birthday! She has had a rough morning, and I don't have a lot of confidence in her improving for tonight. In any case, I wanted to share some pictures from her Willy Wonka birthday this weekend with you! Here they are!
Wonka's Contract.
Lollipops.
Wonkavision Goggles.
Game time! Hot potato with a Wonka Golden Goose Egg!
Musical Lollipops!
The girls in their Wonkavision Goggles!
The Birthday Girl.
Enjoying their treats.
The invitations.
Wonka's Contract.
Lollipops.
Wonkavision Goggles.
Game time! Hot potato with a Wonka Golden Goose Egg!
Musical Lollipops!
The girls in their Wonkavision Goggles!
The Birthday Girl.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Birthdays and In-Laws
I have never been happier for Monday morning. The past couple weeks have been almost unbearable. Butterfly has been in a mood because of school (my last post) and the fact that her birthday is coming up. Everything has been a fight, and no amount of loving parenting has helped. In fact, most times it made it worse. Hard as I try, I can't tell you what all the triggers have been, and I'd probably just be guessing if I did, so we won't go there.
My in-laws flew in late Friday night for Butterfly's birthday parties. We didn't tell her until after school on Friday. We decided it was a lose-lose situation - if we didn't tell her she would be angry that they weren't coming. If we did tell her early she would be a wreck trying to figure out how to hide her RAD while they were here. She didn't see them until Saturday morning, as she was asleep when they got in. Patrick had a certification test early that morning, so he wasn't around. When I woke up (with my first pounding tension headache since July) I could hear my little darling putting on her "I'm a fabulous adult, love me, love me" show for her grandparents. I called her in and had a little chat about feeling safe with them and the show she puts on. If it continued I promised I would have everyone sit down and we would all talk about her RAD and feeling safe. That put a stop to it.
The in-laws and Patrick took B to the zoo for the afternoon, so I could have the house to myself to prep for the party that evening. Everything went well - she was well-behaved for the most part, so I can't complain. My dad pointed out though how strategically she chose to open gifts. My best friend Lisa had to leave to get to another party, so B opened her gift first. After Lisa left, B put on a little act about oh, who is this from? So, first she opened the gifts that she thought were from her Green Bay grandparents - then she opened from us, then from my parents. There was something very strange and methodical about how she did it...I'm not sure why. Anyways, she gave her half-hearted thank you hugs to her GB GPs and then gave her hugs to me and Patrick, then for one second couldn't help herself and let down her guard (when all her grandparents are together she tries very hard not to show any favoritism among them. it's interesting to see a child be so incredibly aware of everything.) - she hopped on my dad's lap and snuggled and hugged him and same with my mom. It was completely genuine, not an ounce of manipulation. But then she realized what she did and went right back to trying not to show any favoritism. Funny kid.
Sunday was a party with her friends. I never realized how mean and inappropriate third grade girls could be. I was not impressed all but a couple completely lack respect and manners. It's so sad. No wonder Butterfly thinks I'm so strict. None of the other parents enforce anything with their kids. This was our last friend party. I've already told Patrick and my mom that next year when I get ready to plan the party to remind me that I'm not doing it. It is far too much for her to handle, not to mention the stress I put myself through. So family party and then done. The party was fun though, don't get me wrong. We had a Willy Wonka theme - I will post pictures this week.
After the party it was just horrendous. B was so worked up by everything - she was screaming, yelling, hitting, crying, etc. It must have been hard to hide all that while her GB GPs were in town. She took a nap and went to bed early - she was a tired girl for sure.
No issues to report with my in-laws. Every time my mom or I tried to say something about Butterfly's RAD or her behaviors, she would not acknowledge it. Just answer with a Mmm-hmm or that must be hard. Never a word more. As my mom said, if she acknowledges it then it becomes her problem too, and part of her life that she has to deal with. As long as she pretends it doesn't exist she can just go on with her life, and she certainly doesn't want this minor detail to get in the way of her life. Oh well.
So it's over, and we can move on. Butterfly's actual birthday is on Thursday. Patrick has class and I have a parents meeting for Girl Scouts, so I'm not sure how we will celebrate. Maybe a quick dinner out before the meeting...
Oh, and in good news. We got some relaxation last weekend because B went camping with the Girl Scouts. They left Saturday morning and were back Monday afternoon. Patrick and I were able to make a ton of progress getting the house cleaned and organized, we went out to eat and saw two movies, did some shopping, and he made his very first trip to Build-a-bear to make puppies for our niece and nephew. It was so relaxing, and such a great reminder that there is life outside of RAD, which we usually tend to forget.
B had an uneventful morning. She did what she told, and there was no screaming, yelling or arguing. Hopefully now that the birthday stress is behind her, she can move on. Fingers crossed!
My in-laws flew in late Friday night for Butterfly's birthday parties. We didn't tell her until after school on Friday. We decided it was a lose-lose situation - if we didn't tell her she would be angry that they weren't coming. If we did tell her early she would be a wreck trying to figure out how to hide her RAD while they were here. She didn't see them until Saturday morning, as she was asleep when they got in. Patrick had a certification test early that morning, so he wasn't around. When I woke up (with my first pounding tension headache since July) I could hear my little darling putting on her "I'm a fabulous adult, love me, love me" show for her grandparents. I called her in and had a little chat about feeling safe with them and the show she puts on. If it continued I promised I would have everyone sit down and we would all talk about her RAD and feeling safe. That put a stop to it.
The in-laws and Patrick took B to the zoo for the afternoon, so I could have the house to myself to prep for the party that evening. Everything went well - she was well-behaved for the most part, so I can't complain. My dad pointed out though how strategically she chose to open gifts. My best friend Lisa had to leave to get to another party, so B opened her gift first. After Lisa left, B put on a little act about oh, who is this from? So, first she opened the gifts that she thought were from her Green Bay grandparents - then she opened from us, then from my parents. There was something very strange and methodical about how she did it...I'm not sure why. Anyways, she gave her half-hearted thank you hugs to her GB GPs and then gave her hugs to me and Patrick, then for one second couldn't help herself and let down her guard (when all her grandparents are together she tries very hard not to show any favoritism among them. it's interesting to see a child be so incredibly aware of everything.) - she hopped on my dad's lap and snuggled and hugged him and same with my mom. It was completely genuine, not an ounce of manipulation. But then she realized what she did and went right back to trying not to show any favoritism. Funny kid.
Sunday was a party with her friends. I never realized how mean and inappropriate third grade girls could be. I was not impressed all but a couple completely lack respect and manners. It's so sad. No wonder Butterfly thinks I'm so strict. None of the other parents enforce anything with their kids. This was our last friend party. I've already told Patrick and my mom that next year when I get ready to plan the party to remind me that I'm not doing it. It is far too much for her to handle, not to mention the stress I put myself through. So family party and then done. The party was fun though, don't get me wrong. We had a Willy Wonka theme - I will post pictures this week.
After the party it was just horrendous. B was so worked up by everything - she was screaming, yelling, hitting, crying, etc. It must have been hard to hide all that while her GB GPs were in town. She took a nap and went to bed early - she was a tired girl for sure.
No issues to report with my in-laws. Every time my mom or I tried to say something about Butterfly's RAD or her behaviors, she would not acknowledge it. Just answer with a Mmm-hmm or that must be hard. Never a word more. As my mom said, if she acknowledges it then it becomes her problem too, and part of her life that she has to deal with. As long as she pretends it doesn't exist she can just go on with her life, and she certainly doesn't want this minor detail to get in the way of her life. Oh well.
So it's over, and we can move on. Butterfly's actual birthday is on Thursday. Patrick has class and I have a parents meeting for Girl Scouts, so I'm not sure how we will celebrate. Maybe a quick dinner out before the meeting...
Oh, and in good news. We got some relaxation last weekend because B went camping with the Girl Scouts. They left Saturday morning and were back Monday afternoon. Patrick and I were able to make a ton of progress getting the house cleaned and organized, we went out to eat and saw two movies, did some shopping, and he made his very first trip to Build-a-bear to make puppies for our niece and nephew. It was so relaxing, and such a great reminder that there is life outside of RAD, which we usually tend to forget.
B had an uneventful morning. She did what she told, and there was no screaming, yelling or arguing. Hopefully now that the birthday stress is behind her, she can move on. Fingers crossed!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Duh!
Ever have one of those days where you feel like you totally missed the boat and don't get RAD at all? I had one yesterday, and boy do I feel silly today. Butterfly has been a royal pain in the behind all week, and I had no real knowledge of why. Here I am blaming Isla Shay, birthday's, etc. and while I am certain those all played a role, I missed the two giant blinking signs telling me what the real problem was. (Because of course, she would never tell me.) So here it is, and feel free to tell me how stupid I am for missing it because I feel 100% ridiculous...
Duh! Number One: They are talking about divorce in Health class...why did her birth mom leave? Oh! Divorce!
Duh! Number Two: This is the big one...they are creating a "Me Box" to present (due today). It must include their personal favorites, people that are important to them, and three special items. Well, Captain Obvious here has been working on this project with her all week, and never saw a problem. I didn't even see a problem when she selected her important people ; Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, Yadi, Isla Shay, Uncle Reggie (my parent's dog that passed away last year), and her birth mom. I was just impressed that she wanted to talk about her BM at school. But I happily went along with it and helped her write her sentences about why she's important. Never did it occur to me that the child is flipped out about having to talk about her BM to her class. But she told my mom last night, otherwise I still would be totally oblivious...
Apparently my head hasn't been on straight this week...I feel silly. So I called the teacher this morning to give her a heads up on why Butterfly was out of sorts. I also asked if B was presenting today - No she won't present until next week. Hahaha. That wasn't going to fly! I politely asked if she would make sure she does it today so she can put it behind her and move on to bigger and better things. Luckily, she obliged, and will be emailing me to let me know how it goes. I'm nervous for her, but hoping she does okay. I think I fail being a good RAD Mom this week.
Anyways, I thought I would share a couple pictures, since I never post any!
Butterfly and Yadi
Duh! Number One: They are talking about divorce in Health class...why did her birth mom leave? Oh! Divorce!
Duh! Number Two: This is the big one...they are creating a "Me Box" to present (due today). It must include their personal favorites, people that are important to them, and three special items. Well, Captain Obvious here has been working on this project with her all week, and never saw a problem. I didn't even see a problem when she selected her important people ; Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, Yadi, Isla Shay, Uncle Reggie (my parent's dog that passed away last year), and her birth mom. I was just impressed that she wanted to talk about her BM at school. But I happily went along with it and helped her write her sentences about why she's important. Never did it occur to me that the child is flipped out about having to talk about her BM to her class. But she told my mom last night, otherwise I still would be totally oblivious...
Apparently my head hasn't been on straight this week...I feel silly. So I called the teacher this morning to give her a heads up on why Butterfly was out of sorts. I also asked if B was presenting today - No she won't present until next week. Hahaha. That wasn't going to fly! I politely asked if she would make sure she does it today so she can put it behind her and move on to bigger and better things. Luckily, she obliged, and will be emailing me to let me know how it goes. I'm nervous for her, but hoping she does okay. I think I fail being a good RAD Mom this week.
Anyways, I thought I would share a couple pictures, since I never post any!
Butterfly and Yadi
Yadi when he was still tiny and cute.
Me, and my goddaughter, Isla Shay
Monday, August 31, 2009
Is it Friday, yet?
RAD is back and in full force. Love, love, love it. I know it all stems from the fact that my brother, sister-in-law, and niece were in town for the weekend. Butterfly has severe issues with the amount of attention she gets. From my perspective she gets plenty - there is always someone playing with her, we celebrated her birthday on Friday night so her Aunt, Uncle, and cousin could be there. They took her shopping to buy clothes for her birthday, played countless games of Old Maid, and the list goes on. We didn't spend much time at my parent's house, but the time we did we were rotating who was playing with her and giving her attention. The time we were at home she had my attention as well as her dad's. And yet, still not good enough. Someone else always has more. We went to a nice dinner at a steakhouse on Saturday to celebrate my parent's anniversary, me and hubby's anniversary and my brother and SIL's anniversary. Butterfly had a chicken tenders and fries, along with some of my steak and baked potato. When we were talking yesterday about why she doesn't get enough attention, she said Isla got a better dinner than she did - mushed up bananas. Once again, totally irrational.
I'm not sure what to do about this. I know she needs oodles and oodles of constant attention, but clearly even doing that isn't enough for her when someone else is around. Everything in her life is SO horrible. Isla sees Grandpa and Grandpa once a month. Butterfly sees them weekly. Isla wears a diaper - Butterfly has to use the bathroom. Isla gets mushed bananas - Butterfly has to eat steak, chicken and potatoes.
This really makes spending time with my family 100% unenjoyable. That's why we spent so little time over there. Which makes me angry because I want time with my brother and sister-in-law and my goddaughter. I don't see them often, so when I do, I want to be able to enjoy the time. But Butterfly makes it impossible. So, I don't know what to do. I'm not giving up my family to sit at home and watch her be pissed off. It's lose-lose. If I bring her with, she ruins everyone's time together, but if you leave her at home with a sitter, she's mad she isn't with the family. So what is the right thing to do? I must be missing another option. I'm getting really excited because we are going to Milwaukee for Isla's first birthday party at the end of September. I'm tempted to get B a babysitter while we're there, but there will be lots of people there to redirect her attention to.
Yesterday was rough. First, we were running errands and she made a list of all the reasons she doesn't like me. That was charming. Then, I caught her in the bathroom taking my brand new contacts out of the packaging and playing with them, along with playing with her dad's cologne. So cute.
We had a rough weekend. Her dad says her birthday should be canceled. I had told her she would be getting two fewer birthday presents so I could get new contacts. She still doesn't quite understand that ther isn't unlimited money in our house to replace everything that she ruins.
I wonder if maybe he is right and we should skip the party - it probably is too hard for her. Not skip it because of what she did yesterday, because those are two totally unrelated things. But skip it becasue it will too hard for her. I was cleaning yesterday and came across an old paper from our therapist that talekd about how hard holidays are on these kids, and not to fuss about it. But if we don't do a party I feel like a bad mom. We already gave out invitations to her girl scout troop. I don't know, I don't know.
So frustrated, and the week just started. She is going camping with her girl scout troop this weekend. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but we'll see.
I'm not sure what to do about this. I know she needs oodles and oodles of constant attention, but clearly even doing that isn't enough for her when someone else is around. Everything in her life is SO horrible. Isla sees Grandpa and Grandpa once a month. Butterfly sees them weekly. Isla wears a diaper - Butterfly has to use the bathroom. Isla gets mushed bananas - Butterfly has to eat steak, chicken and potatoes.
This really makes spending time with my family 100% unenjoyable. That's why we spent so little time over there. Which makes me angry because I want time with my brother and sister-in-law and my goddaughter. I don't see them often, so when I do, I want to be able to enjoy the time. But Butterfly makes it impossible. So, I don't know what to do. I'm not giving up my family to sit at home and watch her be pissed off. It's lose-lose. If I bring her with, she ruins everyone's time together, but if you leave her at home with a sitter, she's mad she isn't with the family. So what is the right thing to do? I must be missing another option. I'm getting really excited because we are going to Milwaukee for Isla's first birthday party at the end of September. I'm tempted to get B a babysitter while we're there, but there will be lots of people there to redirect her attention to.
Yesterday was rough. First, we were running errands and she made a list of all the reasons she doesn't like me. That was charming. Then, I caught her in the bathroom taking my brand new contacts out of the packaging and playing with them, along with playing with her dad's cologne. So cute.
We had a rough weekend. Her dad says her birthday should be canceled. I had told her she would be getting two fewer birthday presents so I could get new contacts. She still doesn't quite understand that ther isn't unlimited money in our house to replace everything that she ruins.
I wonder if maybe he is right and we should skip the party - it probably is too hard for her. Not skip it because of what she did yesterday, because those are two totally unrelated things. But skip it becasue it will too hard for her. I was cleaning yesterday and came across an old paper from our therapist that talekd about how hard holidays are on these kids, and not to fuss about it. But if we don't do a party I feel like a bad mom. We already gave out invitations to her girl scout troop. I don't know, I don't know.
So frustrated, and the week just started. She is going camping with her girl scout troop this weekend. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but we'll see.
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